end of an era

so, it was my last day as a Jacksons/Sainsbury's girl on Saturday. I didn't want to leave, but figured out that I would probably still be there this time next year if I didn't quit now. feel sad. I'll miss the people. but i have to move on, just like everyone else. So, it's gone...bye bye to the last 5 years. I'll have to learn what to do with myself on a Saturday.....

boxing day

so another Christmas has come and gone.

it was a good day.

but hey,life is interesting isn't it?

christmas eve was hell. i'm not joking, ended up properly arguing with Jon. took ages to talk him round. but it was ok. it paid off in the end.

can't beleive that mum and dad got me a camera. yes. a sony a200. man, a proper SLR big fat camera. now i have to learn how use it!

i'm bored actually. need to decide what to do with my life. why can't i get myself to do something useful with myself?....sigh.

managed to talk with Priss on MSN for a bit. it was nice. she's so far away. I was just flipping through my diary and i remember that i was in London around this time last year. with her. now she's all the way in China.

Why havent i moved on?

Kadir should be somewhere near his home by now. I hope he is. man, i never worry about ppl. i'm so worried about him. not quite sure why. i just pray that nothing will happen to him. he needs to see his family. but, man...i don't even know what I'm going to without him for the next few weeks. he's like my support at work. i'll be all lonely with noone to annoy

Day 8: Tai Nua (Dai) people

• 300,000 population
• 140 Christians, mainly buddhism
• live in Yunan

umm....i dunno what to think today. was kinda tired. fed up with work again. Just anoying how there's nothing that I can do right. I just need to swallow and accept. really am properly falling for kadir....not good at all. what is it with me and random guys. noone actually likes me, I'm just so stupid to like every other guy that pays a teeny weeny little bit of attention to me. sigh. sigh. sigh.....

need to cut myself off from everything. but i dunno what to run to....mum's health is not too good. she's not happy about dad travelling away. dad is always away and jon has nothing to do. I also have no idea what i'm doing. GOD, what is up with this family?....give US all some direction.

totally forgot to blog about Friday. nearly blew the car up cuz it properly ran out of water, despite the outpouring of rain. it was so ironic. I took Kadir to his passport interview....another funny story cuz he spent ages asking me where it was, looked it up on goole earth to look at teh building and everything. absolutly drove me mad cuz he wouldn't listen to me at all, insisted that he could go by himself, and then I had to take him there. So, therefore I, not him, ended up getting lost cuz i dont do driving in town....crazy. has to stop several times cuz car was too hot. managed to visit a lady and help up a conversation in mandarin. so bad!!! I;ve even got to the point now where i'm confused with all languages, I walking into work today and was trying to speak to Shna in mandarin....ummm...still, i want to learn arabic! Marharba. that's still the only thing that I know!

chipcum....that's a random kurdish word that Shna uses. not quite sure what it means. I think it's something to do with: what can you/we do?....

Catch-up

Shanghai, here I come! I can't actually believe that I just booked a flight to China. thinking about it, it really is pretty random. There is actually no 'proper' reason for me to go. why the hell did I just do that?.....man, i must be mad, or think that I have too much money to spare! Oh well, i'm sure that there will be a reason and something will come up from it, unexpectedly!


So, i've kinda been busy over the past few days, despite not having to work yesterday (whoohoo....it was like the first saturday I've had off since china!) Dad and I put up my bed on Friday night. I cannot believe 1) how heavy it is and 2) how difficult it is! Doing that (or rather, watching and pretending to help) has given me a whole new respect for designers and for dad! So, I'm in my whole new room. It's pretty damn fantastic apart from the fact that I've discovered that I don't actually like sleeping in a bed! Sounds stupid doesn't it, I don't like being so high up and restricted, cuz i keep on thinking that I'll fall off! Sleeping on the floor is so much better :) Strange isnt it! I'm especially proud of my China map and middle east map. they so nearly fit together. it's fab. I can now go to sleep looking at china and iraq!


Met up with Catherine yesterday. It was lovely to catch-up and chat. Can't believe that she's going to China so soon. hope we're gunna meet up to go and see All Nations and Oakhill Bible College before she goes! I've forgotten how nice it is to be able to chat to a Christian!

Obviously cuz of the mess that i've made my bedroom into, I havent had chance to keep to date with the china prayer and the purpose driven life. I could just skip it, but I'm gunna be good and think about day 5 + 6 now, and them mayeb day 7 tonight if I have time. actually, on the other hand, i'l change that cuz i think i've already done day 5 for the prayer thing! stupid me.

China Prayer

Day 6: Li people

• 1.2 million people
• religions: polytheism, animism, shamanism: 1000 believers ( less than 0.1%)
• live in central and southern Hainan (forest and mountains)
• need the Hainanese Chinese Christians to reach out

Day 7: Tai Lue (Dai) people

• 750,000 people in China (others live in Myanmar, Laos, Thailand, Vietnam, USA)
• 3,000 believers
• other religions: Buddhism, Animism
• live in southern yunan
• farmers

Purpose driven life

Day 5: Seeing life from God's view

Unless you are faithful in small matters, you won't be faithful in large ones. Luke 16 v 10a

How can I look and reflect on my life the way that God wants me to. How does God actually see my life. Why am I here? umm....only God can answer that cuz he made us. He must have had a reason. I mean, you don't just go and waste your time on making something if there's no point, do you?

Day 7: Life is a temporary assignment

we will not be here forever. We are aliens in a foreign land.

So, we fix our eyes not on what is seen, but on what is unseen. For what is seen is temporary, but what is unseen is eternal. 2 Corinthians 4 v 18

ok, i think this is enough blogging for one time!....best save this cuz i think that the page is failed and I WILL NOT be a happy bunny if it bodges up.

Day 5: Dong

• 3 million people
• less than 100 believers: animism
• Dong language
• farmers
• southwest China
• a musical people
• need more translations

Lord, save these people. May song and praise ring out from their mouths to honour and worship you. Lord, help there to be more believers who can witness in their own community.

I'm staring at the gigantic map of China...so many people live there. So many people need you.

Lord, have mercy. Heal your land. Save your people.

Day 4: Made to last forever

The world is fading away, along with everything it craves. But if you do the will of God, you will live forever.
1 John 2 v 17

Must learn to look beyond the here and now. God has greater plans that lasts longer than the life here on earth.
Right now, I feel like I was made to sleep.

an interesting day to say the least.

i organised a surprise thing for Shna. I got her the beautiful flowers and made a big card. she was properly surprised! went to staples to buy some office stuff with Shna and Kadir. I really find them both absolutley lovely, but annoying as well. it's so strange. a kinda of strange affection I think. i'm starting to fall for him, which i cannot do. oh well, it does help that all these guys have absolutly no interest in me whatsoever, and i talk to them about finding a beautiful girl! I'm just a little child in their eyes. sigh.

i was very proud of myself for going all the way to wilberforce college today without getting lost. i'm always so petrified of driving. strange how it's so much better on the way home. I got taken around the college and I swear that everyone must have thought that I was new there. even a student came up to me to ask! I really am a stupid little girl.

i'm thinking more and more that I wouldn't be the right person for the job at ARKH. I don't actually think that Shna, Kadir or anyone actually thinks that I could do it. I dont think that they would listen to me at all. I have so much to learn. so much to understand.

i had a nice evening. had people round for dinner and everyone brought some food. we should really do that more often, apart from it annoys the hell out of my brother.

you know what...God is good!

All the time.

God is GOOD!

Day 4: Shui

• 475,000 population
• 200 believers: mainly ancester worship, animism, daoism
• mostly in southern Guizhou, some in northern Guangxi
• Daic language- scripture not yet translated

had yet another hectic day. mixed feelings really. FINALLY made the decision to go study next year. had a lovely chat with the guy there. turns out that he was the speaker at NEEC! Ain't it a pretty small world! Feel a bit strange about the whole situation. I could be out of a job by end of October, but who knows! I'm not seriously considering going to Shanghai in October. Seems like I'm working long hours everyday. I enjoyed helping out in the drop-in today. It was quite strange being in an room full of Kurdish guys and me being the only Chinese girl. I really do wonder what they think this stupid person is doing there!

I'm tired. Tired of everything. Just wanna close my eyes and sleep.

Day 3: What drives your life?

maybe boredom...
how can I revert everything back to God?

Day 3: Bouyei (Buyi or Puyi)

• 3.1 million people
• religion: polytheism, animism, less than 0.2% Christian
• live mainly in Guizhou: basis standard of living
• 10th largest ethnic minority
• don't use Chinese characters: oral language
• mostly farmers
• need to HEAR and BELIEVE

It's funny how the world is so small. A random Chinese lady came knocking on the door at ARKH yesterday. She has got directed to us by the library. Funny how I happened to open the door and talk to her,..in very very basic Mandarin. Ended up helping her. She's actually an university lecturer in Fujian University! Heehee....very interesting....Us Chinese people are everywhere! I had two people from other agencies contact me about Chinese clients! I really do think that I am very conviently placed at ARKH!

princes ave on a night. the pretty sunset, before the storm. the weather is rather strange nowerdays. it's actually pretty nice during the day (not that I really notice since I'm inside all the time) and then it;s liking to rain and be all dark during the evening.

I am actually really really exhausted. with all that moving yesterday, once again I worked a long day (8am-6pm). decided to clean and move stuff. sigh, it's never good enough. i still can't decide what to do with myself. Shna read out the draft job description to me. it's ok. nothing soectacular. it all depends on who is going to apply for the job as to whether I would stand a chance of getting the job. I'm quite interested to find out what it will be like, without shna. I just wish that All nations didn't start so early, or else I would go. but right now, I think that I couldn't get up and go. or could I?....why am I just so rubbish at making decisions? I think that the struggle is whether or not I think I would get the job. At the moment I think that I wouldn't stand a chance since I'm so moody.

Day 2: I am not an accident

I am your Creator.
You were in my care
even before you were born.
Israel, don't be terrified!
You are my chosen servant,
my very favorite......Isaiah 44 v 2

God made ME for a reason, I have a purpose. I was made so that God could love ME. I have meaning to my life.
Why, oh why, do I still have absolutely no idea of what I am doing with myself.

Day 2: Southern Zhuang

• 4.2 million
• less than 0.5% Christians: mainly animism and ancestor worship
• speak Zhuang dialects, central Tai dialects, Baihua, Mandarin
• live in Yunan and Guangxi provinces- You and Zuo Rivers
• grow rice and sugarcane

man, there are so many people in this world. all with different beliefs, language, culture, traditions, food, way of living. It's fascinating. so many who have yet to hear the gospel. I am so fortuanate to have grown up knowing it. I should so be a messenger and tell others. Lord, forgive me for being lazy.

Exhaustion

The Purpose Driven Life
Topic 1: What on earth am I here for?

Day 1: It all starts with God.

For by him all things were created: things in heaven and on earth, visible and invisible, whether thrones or powers or rulers or authorities; all things were created by him and for him. Colossians 1 v 16

It's not about you.

I am absolutely knackered. shattered. don't actually think that I can move. sigh. a day seems like such a long time. so much has happened.
I got my bed delievered first thing in morning. got to work and was moving stuff all day. the office is a mess. i spent so long trying to get all the computers and stuff like that to work and it still doesn't. still not good enough. sigh. my head is spinning.

so, it is Jon's bday today. took him out for lunch. cooked him steak and food, and now have to go out for a drink. As much as I love him, I don't think that I can cope.....

What on earth am I here for?....I dunno. I still can't make my decision about what to do. All Nations rang me. I have an interview on Wednesday. I still have no job description. I still have no direction.

God, how do I fit into your plan? What do you want me to do?

Time: 7:28pm

New beginnings

so, it's a NEW start: 1st September. Jon's 22 today. Can't believe it. Haha,,,i love it during the next few weeks cuz it means that i'm only 1 year older than him..well, at least I pretend to be!

Also, it's the start of Ramadan. Of course, it doesnt bear much importance to me, but it's interesting to learn more about different religions and practises. And it also means that half people that come into ARKH will pretty much be fasting. It amazes me how so many people can do this every year. It's so difficult to not eat or DRINK for the whole entire day. Makes you grouchy and have NO energy. I think that things at ARKH will be a little more low key for the next month. I so will not be able to get any of the guys at work to do anything...sigh...

So, I want to discipline myself over this period. Obviously I'm not going to fast cuz I'm not a muslim, hence I don't follow their pratises, but I can challenge myself to do something. I can learn from their discipline. Hopefully for the next 40 days, I can follow 'The purpose driven life' (again). This is partly cuz I need to find my purpose, and also cuz the youth are going through it on sundays. In addition, I want to go through the 31 day prayer book for China's minority peoples.

I would dearly love to say that I'm going to succeed in follwing through it all, but I highly doubt it. Give me a few days and I'll be lost.....but i'll try.

DAY 1 : Northern Zhuang

• Zhuang is the largest minority with 16 million people (11.6 million are northern Zhuang)
• language: Zhuang dialects, Northern Tai languages, Mandarin
• less than 1% believers: mostly animism and ancestor worship
• mainly in Yunan and Guangxi (Hongshui River valley)
• there are some TSC and house churches
• portions of the Bible are translated in 2 dialects

so, the festival last night was amazing. I couldn't believe the amount of people who turned out. Unbelievable. you could almost have mistaken it for another city. yeh...hull for FREEDOM..er...well...until I over heard some people saying ' what on earth is this all in aid of?'Another funny thing was that Queen's Gardens is appraently meant to be an alcohol-free place...on a Saturday night in Hull- come on, that would never happen. There was a stall selling 'fruit juice' and at the end of it all there was nothing left in the park, apart from empty beer bottles. Alcohol- free indeed.

I had a fab time with the youth in the morning. it was mayhem. oh how I wish that i was young again. They did fab today leading worship. So proud of them. it's left me singing nothing other than:

Second Chance

You called my name

Reached out Your hand

Restored my life

And I was redeemed

The moment You entered my life

Amazing grace

Christ gave that day

My life was changed

When from my shoulders

Fell the weight of my sin

So it’s with everything I am

I reach out for Your hand

The hope for change

The second chance I’ve gained

On You I throw my life

Casting all my fears aside

How could greater love than this

Ever possibly exist

Consume my thoughts

As I rest in You

I’m now in love

With a Saviour

Bearing the marks of His love

So I’ll wait upon You now

With my hands released to You

Where a little faith’s enough

To see mountains lift and move

And I’ll wait upon You now

Dedicated to Your will

To this love that will remain

A love that never faïls

tiredness overload

i swear, this project and Refugee Week will be the death of me. i am so tired

was on the radio yesterday morning, which was petrifying, so thankful that steve came along and so i didn't need to talk that much. phew,

been to all the events so far, i wonder how our one will go tomorro...

feel down today.

Do you know how special and unique you are?

That you really matter in this world.

That someone has noticed you and care about you.

That you makes a huge difference in someone’s life.

Do you know that you are needed?

Do you know that you are loved?

Do you know that you are accepted?

I see all your pain and there is nothing I want more than to be able to take all your pain and sorrow away.

I wish I could take your hearts in my hands and heal all your wounds.

I wish I could make everything allright.

I wish I could make you whole again.

I wish I could take all your burdens on my shoulders and carry you in my arms until you feel strong enough to walk yourself.

But I can’t live your life for you. You have to fight the battle yourself. But there will be people beside you.

You will make it..
Dare to believe that you are beautiful.

Dare to believe that you are unique

Dare to believe that you make a difference

Dare to believe that you are loved

Dare to believe that you are talented

Dare to believe that you have your own special way of reaching out to others.

Dare to believe that you have the right to be here.

Dare to believe that you have the right to take up space

Dare to believe that you can do it.

Dare to believe that you can spread your wings and fly

Dare to believe that you can feel good again

Dare to believe that everything will be allright

Dare to believe that no matter what have happened, things can be better

Dare to believe that your future is bright

Dare to believe that there is always hope.

Dare to believe that you will recover.

Dare to believe that you will live again

Because.... You ARE beautiful.

You ARE unique.

You DO make a difference.

You ARE loved

You ARE talented

You DO have your special way of reaching out to others

You DO have the right to be here.

You DO have the right to take up space.

You CAN do it.

You CAN spread your wings and fly...

You CAN feel good again.

Everything WILL be allright, it’s only a matter of time.

The past doesn’t matter, that’s not the way you are going

As long as there is life, there IS hope.

You CAN recover, but it is up to you

You WILL live again.

You WILL shine.

You WILL radiate.

Dare to believe, because there can be miracles when you believe.

And you are loved, no matter what the ed tells you.

You are loved beyond understanding and words.

All of you here are loved.

All of you are unique, something special.

All of you are a piece of a big puzzle.

©Shinyflower

Prayer and praise journey

Therefore God gave them over in the sinful desires of their hearts to sexual impurity for the degrading of their bodies with one another. They exchanged the truth of God for a lie, and worshiped and served created things rather than the Creator—who is forever praised.
Romans 1 v 24-25

Why did God give these people over to their lusts? What wisdom can you take from these verses?

To be absolutely honest, i have no idea.
man, i'm so annoyed cuz i typed this all out and it got erased. it's never the same when you try to answer the same thing twice!
i guess it just shows how much of a fragile state the human mind is. We know what is good, yet we do wrong, We have our own selfsih desires that is in the opposite direction to where God is. we follow empty, unsatisfying desires, that mean nothing. it gives pleasure for a moment, but doesn't last a lifetime. God, how can we really praise you forever?#

i'm still not quite sure what to really do with myself today. have nothing that i want to do. nothing to do. sounds like a perfect job, but trust me, it isn't. i feel like i'm becoming a social worker type person. listening to people's problems, the only difference is i don't really know how to help/

Prayer and praise journey

Since they show no regard for the works of the LORD
and what his hands have done,
he will tear them down
and never build them up again.
Psalm 28 v 5


the consequences for disregarding the work of the Lord can be serious. According to Psalm 28 v 5, what happens to peope who do not show any regard for what God has done?

man, if anything, that should just shock you into really regarding God's work...or else! I mean, i not quite understand how i can truely ''regard'' his works. does it mean respect, admire,...? something like that. man...that means that we shouldn't work to destroy God's work. that includes everything....
Lord, thank you for all that you've done. Forgive me when i've done wrong. open my eyes to see your beauty.

it's amazing. daily, i hear of people that I know who are going away to places like China to do His work. it's amazing. I wish that i would be able to do something useful for God. how come some people are so amazing and they can do that. how come i always feel like i'm at a dead end. not quite sure where i am and what i'm doing. Lord, where do you want me to be?

I got a right kick yesterday from Reka, after she read my rather rubbish personal statement and hence didn't get a job interview. i think that i should kick myself really. God, what can i do. I really con't see the way forward. what is the future for me?
am i just a waste of space?
floating aimlessly in this forgotten city. being a forgotten person.

Prayer and praise journey

Psalm 104
1 Praise the LORD, O my soul.
O LORD my God, you are very great;
you are clothed with splendor and majesty.

2 He wraps himself in light as with a garment;
he stretches out the heavens like a tent

3 and lays the beams of his upper chambers on their waters.
He makes the clouds his chariot
and rides on the wings of the wind.

4 He makes winds his messengers,
flames of fire his servants.

5 He set the earth on its foundations;
it can never be moved.

6 You covered it with the deep as with a garment;
the waters stood above the mountains.

7 But at your rebuke the waters fled,
at the sound of your thunder they took to flight;

8 they flowed over the mountains,
they went down into the valleys,
to the place you assigned for them.

9 You set a boundary they cannot cross;
never again will they cover the earth.

10 He makes springs pour water into the ravines;
it flows between the mountains.

11 They give water to all the beasts of the field;
the wild donkeys quench their thirst.

12 The birds of the air nest by the waters;
they sing among the branches.

13 He waters the mountains from his upper chambers;
the earth is satisfied by the fruit of his work.

14 He makes grass grow for the cattle,
and plants for man to cultivate—
bringing forth food from the earth:

15 wine that gladdens the heart of man,
oil to make his face shine,
and bread that sustains his heart.

16 The trees of the LORD are well watered,
the cedars of Lebanon that he planted.

17 There the birds make their nests;
the stork has its home in the pine trees.

18 The high mountains belong to the wild goats;
the crags are a refuge for the coneys.

19 The moon marks off the seasons,
and the sun knows when to go down.

20 You bring darkness, it becomes night,
and all the beasts of the forest prowl.

21 The lions roar for their prey
and seek their food from God.

22 The sun rises, and they steal away;
they return and lie down in their dens.

23 Then man goes out to his work,
to his labor until evening.

24 How many are your works, O LORD!
In wisdom you made them all;
the earth is full of your creatures.

Psalm 104: 1-24 lifts up praise to God for the marvellous things he made. After you are finished reading these verses, write out your own prayer of praise for the things listed there that God created.

it's such an iddylic picture. quite soothing and perfect. God really is amazing isn't he. why did we have to muck it all up and live in sin? there would be need for anything apart from praise and worship if we didn't sin....sigh. thank you God for creating the beauty creatures and the land, for the heavens and for the earth. thank you that you are will be have your will be done on this earth as in heaven. thank you for the sunshine cuz it brings light and warmth. thank you for the rain, even though i don't really like it that much (it's chucking it down now) but we need rain. for all good things comes from you. how is possible for you to plan out so many things? and so perfectly in so much detail

因主的名
造物主，今高唱你名字：和平之君，得勝者。
地上古今的君王，也折服於你面前。

造物主，今高唱你名字：全能之主，安慰者。
全憑主恩典憐憫，令我滿心溫暖！

全因主的聖名，勞苦可得安靜；行走於孤單困惑裡面有主傾聽。
全因主的聖名，愁心可得歡樂；祈禱的必得勝，我以性命來做證！

Prayer and praise journey

For by him all things were created: things in heaven and on earth, visible and invisible, whether thrones or powers or rulers or authorities; all things were created by him and for him. He is before all things, and in him all things hold together.
Colossians 1 v 16-17

Take a few moments to think about God's creation right where youare. What aspects of the world around are you especially grateful for? What of God's creation reveals his love for you? Write out praise to God for those things.

i duuno really. to be honest, i can't really grasp hold of creation. i find it ard to admire nature. i find it hard to be to in awe. i'm not quite sure why. probably cuz i take things so forgranted. i guess i can thank God for creation the beauty of the universe. the stunning scenery. thanks yu for creating people. i would be totally lonely and bored if God didn't create people who are all different. oh. and thank you for the coriander that i've been able to grow! (they're still quite small)

life is shit.
it really is.
just got rejected from two jobs. i really am lost and have no idea where i am and what i should do. my family hate me. my father can't bothered to talk to me and mum has given up and is angry. i have no point in anything. just want to die.

i feel a bit stupid at work really. i have absolutely no idea what i'm meant to do. i have no idea what info i'm meant to know, and so i'm keeping my mouth shut so I don't put my foot in it. i also don't know how much people presume that i know. and i don't want to ask. sigh. i'm in a stupid trap thats not going to take me anywhere. man, ...i so need an interview. i need some new challenge to do. been stuck in this stupid little rut for way too long. life sucks.

wanna be fully of life. want the glory of God to shine out of me. but, seems almost impossible to me at the moment....

For God, who said, "Let light shine out of darkness,"made his light shine in our hearts to give us the light of the knowledge of the glory of God in the face of Christ.
But we have this treasure in jars of clay to show that this all-surpassing power is from God and not from us. We are hard pressed on every side, but not crushed; perplexed, but not in despair; persecuted, but not abandoned; struck down, but not destroyed. We always carry around in our body the death of Jesus, so that the life of Jesus may also be revealed in our body. For we who are alive are always being given over to death for Jesus' sake, so that his life may be revealed in our mortal body. So then, death is at work in us, but life is at work in you.
2 Corinthians 4 v 6-12

Matthew 11 v 25-30
At that time Jesus said, "I praise you, Father, Lord of heaven and earth, because you have hidden these things from the wise and learned, and revealed them to little children.
Yes, Father, for this was your good pleasure.
"All things have been committed to me by my Father. No one knows the Son except the Father, and no one knows the Father except the Son and those to whom the Son chooses to reveal him.
"Come to me, all you who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest.
Take my yoke upon you and learn from me, for I am gentle and humble in heart, and you will find rest for your souls.
For my yoke is easy and my burden is light."

rollercoaster weekend

it's been such a up and down weekend. sigh. i can't even remember what i did. when was the last time that i wrote on this thing.
man, one thing that i learnt is that there is absolutely no point in putting your trust and dreams and basing your happiness on people. cuz you just won't get it. neither will you get happiness on on what happens, cuz that don't last long either. only God and him alone.

Why are you downcast, O my soul?
Why so disturbed within me?
Put your hope in God,
for I will yet praise him,
my Saviour and my God.
psalm 42 v 11

friday
didn't sleep well cuz mum and dad had come back so late and as a consequence didn't sleep properly, which strangely enough affected the whole of my day. literally. had a day off ARKH, but had to go to a day's training with Sainsbury's. it was interesting to say the least. spent the day with some of my lively workmates. ...a bit crazy when they started to walk down quiet analaby barking like dogs or squarking like birds. anyways, didn't feel like going to fellowship so stayed at home till 7.30pm. just didn't want to talk to people. it ended up ok. God always breaks through.

saturday
had a pretty good day at work. mucked around. it was dead busy cuz it was the ball and it was sunny! none stop for the whole shift. kaylee and me arranged to go salsa dancing with JP on tuesday. it's gunna be interesting to say the least....haha....
anyways, got home to find a nightmare situation. sigh. punishment for having a good day? i dunno. so not happy, but i guess thats life. wish i had somewhere to run and hide to, but i didn't. watched the final to 'Britain's got talent' to soothe my sorrows.

sunday
the day started off bad cuz i didn't get up very early. had to pick up amos and vicky to go to new life. made it and i was glad i did. i'm not a very big fan of special services to be honest. but it spoke to me. Jarrod Cooper is such an inspirational speaker. i need to move on, not to be afraid of change, think big. no bad nostalgia...just looking forwards. all a bit too relevant to me at the moment with work and chucking loads of things out.
it was my turn to lead the youth. i'm really no good at it. but God was good. we discussed and chatted. it's wonderful to see the youth grow and really grasp hold of the faith for themselves. God really is doing something with this preciuos group of people.
i'm at a strange time in my life. i just don't feel part of a group at church. got a bit upset cuz people left, or hung out in groups and i was noone. disappeared in my car for a little while. came back out and was still alone. sigh. played a little badminton which i can reluctantly say that i quite enjoyed. why, oh why do i have this thing where i don't actually let myself enjoy anything? anyways, the evening was devoted to the leaving party for some of the students. it was good. the highlight was that vicky openly confessed that she is now a Christian...whoohoo....heaven is really having a party. God does answer prayer. another thing is the youth. they are absolutly amazing. they are so talented in music and enthusiastic about God. I hope that they never ever lose it.
why is church just so full of sinners? mum was so upset. what can i do about it? Lord, how can you work amongst us? where is the hope?

tired

absolutely knackered. mum and dad decided that it would be a good idea for them to arrive home after 3am. of course i woke up. could not get back to sleep for ages, even though i really needed and wanted to. sigh. just got up at before 6.30am.....man, it's gunna be one hell of a long day.

“In God, whose word I praise, in God I trust;
I will not be afraid.
What can mortal man do to me?”
Psalm 56 v 4

do not be afraid. i'm lucky. there's nothing pressing that i need to be afraid of. i'm in a relatively safe county. why are so many people in danger that they hve to run. so many asylum seekers and refugees. I just wish i could understand more by listening to their stories. this world is such a sad place. Lord, come and take your place; restore your throne. May YOUR will be done on this earth as it is in heaven.

i don't actually have to go into ARKH tomorrow. pretty excited about that. think that being in that place drives me insane. although the weather was good today and so i felt better. had a funny walk with kadir in town. had to go the long way into the shops cuz he was smoking. i find that i've come across such random people during my time at work. just today i met two new people interested in volunteering..who are absolutely different, and from such different walks of life. i would never have dreamed to meet them in a million years!

have a training for jacksons, no sorry Sainsbury's tomoro. thought i could get away with getting up late, but have to get to Kaylee's for 8am. man, that's crazy...i have to get out of the house before i usually do. no rest for the wicked, eh?

ok-ish

yeh. i feel slightly more enthusiastic now. i can feel it when I start to get really random ideas and get carried away...
i think that i like to feel useful.
also, i feel loved cuz the boys bought chicken and chips for us to share. this time they even got some bread! man, it's great. although my lunch got slightly ruined by the fact that my volunteer came and so i'm now eating cold food, listening to the guys talking in kurdish. sigh, life is so interesting

annoyed...or just impatient?

just went to pick up some stuff from VOLCOM where you can borrow stuff for free. ok. so got there. the lady gave me the two (rather heavy)items; two boxes, one of which was full of wood and the other metal. 'kindly' helped me to kick the boxes to the door and then left me. nice.

makes me think about the way i treat people. it's little things that niggle people, not necessarily big things.

Try Praying Day 7

"No eye has seen,
no ear has heard,
no mind has conceived
what God has prepared for those who love him''
1 corinthians 2 v 9

i wonder what God has in store for me.

God, why do i feel so crap. I just can't do it anymore. spent the whole of yesterday feeling shit. partly cuz of work; nothing to do nobody really to talk to, room full of men speaking foreign language. where do i fit in? i don't even know why i bother sometimes. the future is so unclear. it's not scary cuz part of me doesn't care. what is up with me.......why am i so depressed.

on a brighter note, i made some bailey's ice-cream last night (don't ask me why i decided to start at 11.30pm). tried it this morning and it is DELISH! mmm.....

so, it's the end of the trypraying for 7 days thing. what have i got out of it? nothing special. probably cuz i aint followed it properly and i've spent the majority of the last couple of weeks depressed, i have had a few more chances to talk to people, which has been great. had a few chances to talk to muslims and have debate which has been eye-opening a bit. yeh, pray ain't just for 7 though, it's a lifestyle. I've just come to realise how important it is to read the scripture and to know exactly what i believe. need to stand firm in the truth. not just blind faith.

Try Praying Day 6

When Jesus spoke again to the people, he said, "I am the light of the world. Whoever follows me will never walk in darkness, but will have the light of life." John 8 v 12

Here I am! I stand at the door and knock. If anyone hears my voice and opens the door, I will come in and eat with him, and he with me. Revelation 3 v 20

there are so many things that wreck my life. i'm wasting my life away. how can i really be the light. the light so that the world can see. that is a great promise that we only need to knock and we can enter. thank you God.

you know, i realised yesterday just how important it is to know what exactly i believe and i really don't know. i've almost got a blind faith which is useless. had a few discussions about islam with a few muslims. it's pretty interesting and i can see how each religion can sound just as convincing as each other. how can we be sure that christianity is the way? that is, because each different reliegion has a god, that 'seems' to do miracles and stuff like that, how can people tell. Lord, i'm so confused. i truely believe, but i think that i need to seek more. what is so different about christians. islam is growing, yet the number of christians is los growing. if christianity really is the truth.....there are so many many unreached people, all of whom have a strong belief and actually already know about the Bible and jesus, and believe differently. Lord, can you open up people's lives and change them. Lord, nothing is impossible with you. only you are the light, the whole world walks in darkness.

sigh. this world is so confusing. i wish that we could be living back in the garden of eden. paradise, idylic. walking with God in the garden everyday. I wish. we can only dream.

Try Praying Day 5

This, then, is how you should pray:
'Our Father in heaven,
hallowed be your name,
your kingdom come,
your will be done
on earth as it is in heaven.
Give us today our daily bread.
Forgive us our debts,
as we also have forgiven our debtors.
And lead us not into temptation,
but deliver us from the evil one.'
For if you forgive men when they sin against you, your heavenly Father will also forgive you. But if you do not forgive men their sins, your Father will not forgive your sins.
Matthew 6 v 9-13

been away from this for a few days cuz it's been the bank holiday weekend. there really are so many disasters in the world. there was another aftershock in china on sunday. about 5.8. puts our little one experienced a couple of months ago seem like nothing. i listen to the news and it's literally all full of teenagers being murdered. by one another. for no particular reason. probably cuz they're bored. man, what is this world? Lord, how can your will be done on this EARTH, when it's looking like this? where is the kingdom of heaven on this earth?

How great is our God

The splendor of a King, clothed in majesty

Let all the earth rejoice

All the earth rejoice

He wraps himself in Light, and darkness tries to hide

And trembles at His voice

Trembles at His voice

How great is our God, sing with me

How great is our God, and all will see

How great, how great is our God

Age to age He stands

And time is in His hands

Beginning and the end Beginning and the end

The Godhead Three in One

Father Spirit Son

The Lion and the Lamb

The Lion and the Lamb

How great is our God, sing with me

How great is our God, and all will see

How great, how great is our God

Name above all names

Worthy of all praise

My heart will sing

How great is our God

Name above all names

Worthy of all praise

My heart will sing

How great is our God

How great is our God, sing with me

How great is our God, and all will see

How great, how great is our God

how great would it be too see and hear the whole world sing this in a huge massive gigantic chorus. singing to the almghty one. Lord, heal this land. this land that is so full of sin. suffering. hurt. we're lost. but Lord, lead us to be lost; not in sin, but in wonder, awe and majesty at your glory and splendour. thank you for all that you've created. the beauty of the universe. thank you for your blood. Lord, thank you for listening and answering prayer. you really are the one true God.

we went to the humber bridge yesterday. it was nice. i was pleasently surprised. I don't really like doing this type of thing 1)cuz there'e not usual anyone my age, and 2) cuz i destest moving around and would rather sit at home and sleep. anyways it was great to have a church day out. it was proper windy on the way back and i got so wind swept it was unbelievable. made me realise just how beautiful my surroundings are. i'm so engrossed in all the crap that's around me, but there is lots more. again, i just need to go and open my eyes to it.

so, i'm back to work and have nothing in particular to do with myself. i have LESS than one month left of work here. To be honest, i'm pretty scared. i really don't know what the direction is....can i trust and obey. is it that easy? Lord, please close the doors for me to the places that you don't want me to go.

Try Praying Day 4

And without faith it is impossible to please God, because anyone who comes to him must believe that he exists and that he rewards those who earnestly seek him.

Hebrews 11 v 6

not really in the right frame of mind. again.

dunno and don't care

i just wanna cry and die. not quite sure why.

work is so dire. there's no point of me being here, there really isn't. everyone else here is bored. that or stressed. salam is going on the polish dating website, kadir-god knows what and i'm on bbc iplayer watching apprentice:you're fired. oh, and pat was printing stuff about dissolving the charity. fantaastic. such a lovely place to be.

i just want to leave today. now.

i just need something to do. argh. there is absolutely nothing to do apart from trying to contact volunteers which does not work, unless they want to claim back money. haven't been able to contact this one volunteer, until i checked the mail today. yep, she wanted to claim back £100. great. it's not the money which is annoying, it's just how people pick and choose when they want to stay in touch. i'm not that horrible am i?.....

Try Praying Day 3

"The Spirit of the Lord is on me,

because he has anointed me

to preach good news to the poor.

He has sent me to proclaim freedom for the prisoners

and recovery of sight for the blind,

to release the oppressed,

to proclaim the year of the Lord's favor."

Luke 4 v 18-19

umm...i'm not in the right frame of mind to think or to care. I'm surprised at myself for simply not wanting to talk or to do anything. what am i doin? i just want to ignore the world and not care. I'm half way there. wanna rebel and run away. yet, the verse today says that the spirit has anointed me. what does that mean? this trypraying book thing does not really make sense. i have no idea how it all fits together. it's probably cuz i'm not thinking proper. i'm fed up with myself.

release the oppressed...thinking of the people in burma, where their own people can't even help those in need in their own country. it's so sad. devastating. how can they see light at the end of the tunnel. then you think back to the fall of the berlin wall. that literally took years of persistant prayer and finally people were set free. we can look forwards to the day that we can be set free from all this shite. hate that word, but thats what this world is: shit

argh....what the hell is wrong with me?

football

can't believe that Man Utd won, on penalties. I absolutely HATE watching it, it's agony. personally i've always been against Man Utd. But somehow, I felt so sorry for Ronaldo (just cuz he's dead gorgeous) and wanted them to win. cannot beleive myself. football is such an emotional game...it brings tears to grown men's eyes. strange isn't it. strange how we would never dream of crying over a broken relationship, yet weep when our team loses. what it is about football and other sports and competitions that does that to people or nations. I used to love it when England were really good. used to watch all the world cups and euro championship, and cry with the nation when we lost out due to penalties time and time again. now, we can't even get into the euro. I kinda wish that i was going to wembly on saturday to see hull city. i well and truely hope that they can win.

texted kadir when man utd won:
me: oh, manchester won
kadir: yes girl

classic. absolutely brilliant. i love it! that's what i'm gunna miss when i leave arkh.

rAnDoM tHoUgHtS

i feel so sad.
i need to cry. my dad doesn't give a damn. whats the point? apparently i'm old enough so he doesn't need to bother with me. fine. I guess i can't get it into my stupid thick head.
I just don't matter.

how does God fit into this all? surely God's good. maybe i'm screwed up. been speanding too much time at work doing nothing. noone to care about me. all i end up doing is giving some poor person a zillion missed calls a day. why can't i get it. need to accept it. why is it so difficult.

i'm randomly spending alot of time with the guys at work. it's fun. i like being stupid. i don't get to do that very often. wind people up. I love seeing all the guys progress and move on. it's great.

no, i can't forgive myself about dad. I just dunno why i always want him to notice me or to find some interest in me. end up pushing him over the edge and then he says something that i feel sad about, but he's obliviuos to it all. what is wrong with me, i belong in hell. maybe i should just die here. now.

but i can't. you see all the proper bad stuff thats happening around me. my dad dunt care, so whats new. thats pretty normal for half the world's population, why should i be different.

i'm tired now. ooh...ronaldo is looking pretty fine on the pitch tonight. it's the champions final in moscow: chelsea v manchester. i so shouldn't have stayed up so late to read my book. stupid me.

Try Praying Day 2

I sought the LORD, and he answered me;

he delivered me from all my fears.
Those who look to him are radiant;

their faces are never covered with shame.

This poor man called, and the LORD heard him;

he saved him out of all his troubles.

The angel of the LORD encamps around those who fear him,

and he delivers them.

Taste and see that the LORD is good;

blessed are those who take refuge in him.

Fear the LORD, you his holy people,

for those who fear him lack nothing.

Psalm 34 v 4-9

we only need to ask, and we will receive. pray with persistence and boldness. how bold can we be? can i be as daring as abraham to bargain with God for sodom, or to ask for not one but two signs like Gideon? if only i had that faith.

Lord, i would like to pray for Hull. Lord, may you work in this city. heal this land, wipe away every tear from people's eyes. pour your everlasting love onto your people. may i ask that you let us taste of your goodness.

life is pretty interesting. i'm so so bored at work. especially when it's a tuesday and there's like noone in. then someone comes in and things change. it really struck me yesterday when an asylum seeker came in and got to help him. i got to know some of his story. he found out that his wife had been killed, his mother injured and brother had fled. such tragic stories. and people are just stuck here with no way out. so many stories. so sad. but there is still hope. my friend has been refused asylum, she has been a believer since coming to the uk. her only hope is literally in God. apart from God, there really is noo other way. I struggle to think about what i would be doing if i was in the same situation. i love hearing people's stories and trying to understand people. i love it even more when i don't have to ask. after working over a year with many of my clients, i don't know their story and why they're hear. i just hear snippets every so often. it doesn't matter. it's the person that is the most important. not the past. God is interested in our present and future. at 'amazing grace chruch' on sunday we were all given different verses. mine was

Therefore, if anyone is in Christ, he is a new creation; the old has gone, the new has come! 2 Corinthians 5 v 17

that's great, especially when you think about all the stuff that you've done, even yesterday. today. now.

i went to nandos yesterday. it was pretty good. it just ended up with 3 of us. but it was really nice. dunno why. just joking around. i wish that i could conjure up the boldness to speak out for christ. to share his word. Lord, give me the chance to share with these people. i don't really understand islam religion, but Lord, give me wisdom. for they need you too.

there are too many things to pray for. Lord, you know what is on my heart. thank God for Frank and Margaret in USA. they are so lovely. so much to learn from this elderly couple who so obviously love the Lord with all their heart.

Try Praying Day 1

Jesus said, ''Everything is possible for him who believes.'' Immediately the boy's father exclaimed, ''I do believe; help me overcome unbelief.''

Mark 9 v 23-24

in reality, how easy is it to really believe? sure, as a christian I pray and believe that God answers prayer. But it is so difficult. To really and truely trust and believe that God can do everything is pretty BIG stuff. It means that there is nothing that God cannot do. I guess thats why we can't look to the world for answers. I only need to open my eyes to the destruction of sin. The devestation that we have created in the world. the perfect world that God created, no longer exists on earth. there is so much hurt. Lord, help those in China and Burma. Lord, I believe that you can bring HOPE. Lord remember those who have lost their lives, for people who have lost their livelihoods. Lord, wash over those people with your love. May this be a fresh opportunity for people to see your glory amidst the suffering.

Lord, in these 7 days, I pray that your glory will be able to shine in Hull.Forgive me Lord, for not sharing your love, for being selfish and self-centred. Lord, I ask that you have mercy on this city. Save the lost. Give people the chance to believe, Heal this land. Lord, you love the lost, your heart is for those who need you. May your will be done on earth as it is in heaven. Lord, dare I ask that those that i know will have a chance to really have a chance to make a decision about whether they want to follow you.....for nothing is impossible with you. You alone have already overcome death, you have won the battle. Lord in your mercy, hear my prayer.

long time

it's been a long time since I wrote on this thing. I guess I've been meaning to, but never quite got round to it.
Such a lot has happened. There's been so many disasters in te past few weeks. Too much. The question that I'm sure many are asking is
WHY?
Why did something like this have to happen to innocent people in Burma and China. Makes you think just how helpless poeple are, there was nothing that anyone could have done to prevent anything from happening. Sigh. My heart goes out to the people. I can only imagine what the aftermath is like.

i have an interview. I have not prepared. Why? I guess it kinda scares me. i'm scared of change. but dunno why. wish i could get out of my comfort zone. need to push myself.

wish i was career minded...strive ahead. but i'm not.

''Therefore go and make disciples of all nations, baptizing them in the name of the Father and of the Son and of the Holy Spirit, 20 and teaching them to obey everything I have commanded you. And surely I am with you always, to the very end of the age." Matthew 28 v 19-20

hate me

hate life

hate everything

I feel like I'm sinking into my depression again.

wanna cry

need to cry

i have an exam tomorrow. To be honest, I really can't be bothered. Can't be bothered with anything. what's the point. Why can't someone just take my shit and listen to me, tell me it's ok how I feel. But it isn't. I'm a bitch and I know it. What can I do? I'm in a trap. I'm useless at work.Useless at home. Just a nobody. Why? why are there so many beautiful people out there. Why can't I be one of them...need love, I can't just keep on going and giving it out. It's too much.

How can I complain? I got everything. I'm so greedy. What right do I have to demand that someone loves me. I'm just not worth it. Just want someone to say it's ok. But there's noone. Noone. It's a lonely world.

God is so near yet so far. Lord, how do I fit into your plan?