'' i have set my rainbow in the clouds, and it will be the sign of the covenant between me and the earth.''
genesis 9 v 13
today i don't feel like blogging about anything. my mind is blank. it hurts. it hurts so much that i can't sleep properly, despite the brand new mattress that i got.
everyone seeks to become independent. free from other people's control. but is that really good? as they say, ''no man is an island''. we all have to depend on someone. last night we were talking about whether we think that we're independent or not. actually, i always thought i i was pretty independent, capable of going around and doing the things that i wanted to do. i thought that i had a car and a job so i was pretty independent, may be i didn't need to rely on people that much. but, actually i'm wrong. i'm 26 and i'm nowhere near independent. i have no idea how to make any decisions or anything. i really don't know anything. no direction. i don't see the way forward anymore. don't even see the point of finishing my masters. so what, what next? just the same old. i'll always be one of those people who don't acheive things. did that in my a levels, so didnt get into medicine. did that at uni so didnt get a first. did that in getting a job, so got a random job that has no career prospects and now i'm back to working in a supermarket again. just hate everything right now. dunno what to do.
this time my head really does hurt. i'm ill. all cuz i cired too much the other day. never done that before. i'm getting quite good at this mental abuse of myself. it's not fun, but their's noone else to talk to. that's the only reason why my head is spinning, from thinking and telling myself too many things. used to like my diary. but right now. i don't even trust that.
so, where does God come into the picture? honestly, i don't know. i don't know how i can live for God. i've wrecked my life too much. may be there is no going back....
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