reminiscence & nostalgia- school

''Like newborn babies, crave pure spiritual milk, so that by it you may grow up in your salvation, now that you have tasted that the Lord is good.''
1 peter 2 v 2-3

we all have to grow up at some point in time.

have to grow up to face responsibilites, make decisions....marry, pay the bills, look after other people, have kids, care for family....
so, claire got married yesterday. it was a beautiful beautiful wedding, like a dream. just imagine pride and prejiduce, it was just like that.

it was good to see anne again, after such a long time. good to catch up and remember the old times. but, now i realise that it's not actually that good to look back at the past, cuz thats already happened, it's only a memory. it's better to focus on the future, on the now. more important to see what we're doing now. i actually felt quite out of place. may be cuz i was depressed, but may be cuz i'm just totally now used to being in that environment. for one, i dont actually think that i've hung out with so many English people before in a long while. the culture, mentality, experiences are so different to the refugees and asylum seekers that i'm used to hanging out with. it really is. exactly where do i belong? no wonder i seem to have lost myself.

it's the start of Ramadan tomorrow. 30 days of fasting for the muslims, that is the majority of my friends. last year i managed 10 days. i think that i'm not going to do any. don't think that i can face it, and don't think that i need to. but i think that i should finish this theme of nostalgia and change....change to praying for God's will to be done. a 30 days of prayer.

i'm finally getting out of this city this weekend. havent been out in ages. it's finally claire's wedding. and the weather is not very nice. typical.

my ears are still blocked...i guess i'm going to have to be saying a lot of ''what'' and ''pardon''!!

reminiscence & nostalgia- move on

“I press on towards the goal to win the prize for which God has called me heavenwards in Christ Jesus.”
phil 3 v 14

so, i am going to go to HK in the end. what craziness.

i suddenly decided yesterday that i'd take one last look at the tickets and then give up. if i didn't go then i really dunno when i'll go back again. so i'll be there. for 3 days. yep, that's me....trying to cram too many things together as usual!

actually, im afraid to go. dunno really what to expect, what to say to people. i'm not sure of myself anymore, not sure of my studies or my work. what a stupid life i lead. this little pukka is from ages ago. i remember i got it at the Peak. life was good then. i was simple. now, all i've done is clutter up my life. meaningful junk.

but, i can't spend my whole life looking back and wanting what i don't have now, i can't pine after all those things that i havent acheived. i should really be thankful for all that God has given me. thankful for his blessings.

i should move on.

''and anyone who does not take his cross and follow me is not worthy of me''
matt 10 v 38

there's this new noodle bar in town. no idea whether it's any good, but judging from looking at all the past shops that have opened in that area, they have all only lasted a couple of months. let's hope that it lasts a little longer....

so, mum has gone to HK. in fact she's on the plane now, due to fly in 5 minutes. wish that i had the courage to walk ahead. i really can't see what on earth i'm doing. i'm meant to be starting a new job on monday. i'm dreading it, cuz i really can't remember how to work. at all. totally forgotten. all i want to do these days is just be at home. i've finished the lazy student life of nothingness and now i'm back to where i was. having to wake up early and work all day.

i'm so damned lost.

reminiscence & nostalgia- fasting

''I turned to the Lord God and pleaded with him in prayer and petition, in fasting, and in sackcloth and ashes.''
daniel 9 v 3

kulitza. or something like that. there are all different types...some with figs, coconut, nuts. they really are quite delicious. they make this occassionally, but especially for ramadan. i guess it's a kinda nice snack for the evening time.

i can't quite believe that ramadan has come again so soon. not that it really affects me. when the world outside looks at this, it seems like it's a pretty strange practise, but actually, it kinda unites people together. nabaz told me yesterday that he was looking forward to it. last year i fasted for 10 days. not cuz i'm muslim but just to see what it's like. i remember one year, i was fasting and went over to qania's house to cook chinese food for them. couldn't taste anything before we ate!!

reminiscence & nostalgia- pearls

''The kingdom of heaven is like treasure hidden in a field. When a man found it, he hid it again, and then in his joy went and sold all he had and bought that field.''
matt 13 v 44

this bracelet is not made of pearls. quite the opposite. but it's quite pretty all the same. taking this photo reminds me of times with adriana. it's so funny. i'll take photos of anything, mostly of food. so, i hang around with my big fat camera and adriana just reaaranges everything around me for me to photograph. i remember one time when we were in planet coffee. i got some amazing shot, just of the coffee, some of her jewellery and a splattering of brown sugar for effect!

i'm not really a jewllery person. i usually only ever wear my two necklaces which i never take off. my cross that mum gave me on my baptism and the one which grandma gave to my mum on hers, and my other necklace that contains some of the stone from my grandma's wedding ring, which was made when my grandfather died. funny, i didn't realise it actually, but both are really linked to my grandma.

you know, how important is that kingdom of heaven to me? am i prepared to let all things go in order to do God's will. i think that my problem is that i spend all my energy trying to find out exactly what i think God wants me to do, that i miss the kingdom.

re-focus....

reminiscence & nostalgia- bridges

''For as high as the heavens are above the earth, so great is his love for those who fear him;as far as the east is from the west, so far has he removed our transgressions from us.''
psalm 103 v 11-12

the humber bridge. the pride and joy of hull. or not. it's 30 years old. one of the longest spanning suspension bridges. a pretty beautiful sight. it costs £2.70 one way. a bit of a rip-off. but you can choose to walk the distance if you feel like it.

actually this bridge brings back many memories. we used to come here sometimes for walks as a family. i've brought bunch of refugees and asylum seekers here with the friendship group. we came here with church. we took the women's group to 'try' to float some candles into the sea but it didnt work cuz it was too windy. i've been here with the boys. i've come here when i been happy and depressed. the bridge is beautiful both by day and night.

bridge to life.

what is my life path. just this morning we were chatting about how a salmon fish dies after they give birth. they are 'goal orientated'. they done what they were destined to do and it is finished. simple. what am i meant to be doing?...

i love going to new life and listening to jarrod. he's pretty animated and the things that he says makes sense. he's very good at telling stories. yesterday he told of a man who changed his life, his family's life and ultimately his grandchildren and so on. he decided to buy rocking chair so that he could spend just 15 minutes a day talking with God. that 15 minutes changed lives. it is prayer and time spent with God that matters. thats what builds up relationship, changes our lives.

i just feel disappointed in myself. disappointed about how i never learn from my own mistakes. Lord, I really dunno where to run. i really don't.

i'm dying to go to HK. dunno why, but i just want to. may be i dont need to. but i would love to. but deep down, i know i won't. i love my grandma, i really do. this morning i looked at my teddy. my me-to-you bear that i take everywhere; the one that i take on the plane (still at the age of 25), he's been to canada, hk, lebanon, iraq. my grandma named him 'precious' (in Chinese).

i need a new life.

OUR GOD
chris tomlin

Water You turned into wine
Open the eyes of the blind
There's no one like You
None like You
Into the darkness You shining
Out of the ashes we rise
There's no one like You
None like You

CHORUS
Our God is greater, our God is stronger
God You are higher than any other
Our God is Healer, awesome and power
Our God, Our God...

Into the darkness you shining
Out of the ashes we Rise
There's no One like You
None like You.

Our God is greater, our God is stronger
God You are higher than any other
Our God is Healer, awesome and power
Our God, Our God...
Our God is greater, our God is stronger
God You are higher than any other
Our God is Healer, awesome and power
Our God, Our God...
BRIDGE
And if Our God is for us, then who could ever stop us
And if our God is with us, then what can stand against?
And if Our God is for us, then who could ever stop us
And if our God is with us, then what can stand against?
What can stand against?

Our God is greater, our God is stronger
God You are higher than any other
Our God is Healer, awesome and power
Our God, Our God...
Our God is greater, our God is stronger
God You are higher than any other
Our God is Healer, awesome and power
Our God, Our God...

And if Our God is for us, then who could ever stop us
And if our God is with us, then what can stand against?
And if Our God is for us, then who can ever stop us
And if our God is with us, then what can stand against?
Then what can stand against?
Then what can stand against?

Our God is greater, our God is stronger
God You are higher than any other
Our God is Healer, awesome and power
Our God, Our God...
Our God is greater, our God is stronger
God You are higher than any other
Our God is Healer, awesome and power
Our God, Our God...

reminiscence & nostalgia- heaven

''Lift up your eyes to the heavens, look at the earth beneath; the heavens will vanish like smoke, the earth will wear out like a garment and its inhabitants die like flies. But my salvation will last for ever, my righteousness will never fail.''
Isaiah 51 v 6

so, my grandma passed away yesterday. my beloved grandmother.

reminiscence & nostalgia- breakfast

''Do not conform any longer to the pattern of this world, but be transformed by the renewing of your mind. Then you will be able to test and approve what God's will is— his good, pleasing and perfect will.''
romans 12 v 2

a snapshot of part of a typical kurdish breakfast.

i love the kurdish breakfast. so simple. usually, it consists of a spread of cheese [paneer] (this time there was mozarella and cheese triangles), yoghurt [mast], fried eggs [helka], and bread [naan, samoon], jam, and sometimes olives [zeitun], honey [henduin], walnut in the shell[druiz], tahini and other stuff. there is always freshly brewed strong sweet black tea.

i've eaten this breakfast at rizgar's house in hawler (Kurdistan), at nakhshin's family in Soran (kurdistan), at Rizgar's brother's house in sulymania (Kurdistan), with baktear's family at their house and also out of the back of their car, with mustafa's family eaten at 'lunchtime', with rashida who is a morroccan lady married to a kurdish guy, with alaa and ahmed who were very proud of their naan (which they bought from the arabic, NOT kurdish, shop).

in kurdistan, rizgar's mum was the first person to get up and prepare all the breakfast. it was like her job to stay there to make sure that everyone in the household had breakfast, whatever time they got up. she would lay it all out dead early in the morning, and make the tea. the tea is the best thing. not sure why, but it's a great start to the morning. rizgar's dad would always go and buy the samoon (bread) , apart from one day a week when it was rizgar's youngest brother's job to go. i went with him. and also once with rizgar's other brother when we were in sulimanyia. i watched the bread being made and ate it straight out of the oven. the ends of the bread is the best part. i learnt to eat bread with honey and walnut it's so nice. bread dipped in yoghurt is also something that i find normal, rather than alien since it doesn't really feature in chinese cuisine.

actually, it always astounds me when i think about how all of these kurdish people manage to keep their culture maintain almost exactly what they did in their own country in a new environment. really, it does. i can go to most households and i'd pretty much know what to expect. i've been reading a bit recently about the kurds, and about how they've had to fight for their culture and identity. may be thats why they hold on so tightly to it. however, it is also interesting how people adapt their food when they're in a different country. many of the kurdish like to use clotted cream to eat with jam and bread, for breakfast. in england, we only ever eat clotted cream and jam with scones for afternoon tea!

reminds me of daniel in a foreign land. he was given all the best things in the land, yet he still asked for simplicity. he relied and trusted in God to guide his path. he did not conform to the ways of the people around him. he was strong.

reminiscence & nostalgia- growing

''And Jesus grew in wisdom and stature, and in favour with God and men.''
luke 2 v 52

you've got to love little kids. especially when they get to the age when they're learning to talk, just past the mono-word stage and into the creating new sentences and words phase. it's so cute. yesterday, I was with a few kids. we had a new soft toy- dory the forgetful fish from finding nemo. one kid took it and said that was a fish. correct. closely followed by a sentence saying that fish tastes very nice. the next kids said exactly the same thing. wow. they are so typically chinese! how does that happen?!!!

i guess we all take traits from our parents, whether good or bad. it's inevitable, if you spent such a long time with them, and oh of course, its in your genes.

it would have been pretty interesting to see how Jesus was as a child. what did he do? how was he with his other siblings? how was he with his mum and dad? well...he followed in the footsteps of both his earthly and heavenly father. his mother remembered all that he did and put them into her heart. so, i guess he should have been a pretty good son.....

reminiscence & nostalgia- names

''For to us a child is born, to us a son is given, and the government will be on his shoulders. And he will be called Wonderful Counsellor, Mighty God, Everlasting Father, Prince of Peace.''
Isaiah 9 v 6

Gloria Hill Ching Ho. thats my name. i actually really like my name. especially my chinese name. it sounds nice in cantonese and even better in mandarin. but not many people call me by my chinese name. my relative do sometimes, but rarely. in my head i can imagine my grandfather saying hillching....

when i was at school i was called gloz, glozzy, glozpaint, glow. at uni, patrick though all along that my name was Glorio until Hanna told him. Chinese people tend to not be able to pronouce the 'l' properly and so my name kinda becomes Goria. now, i'm just called Gloria.

actually, what is a name? it should be quite important. to my kurdish friends, the meaning of someones name is extremely important. i remember going to kurdistan and arriving at like 1am. i got to rizgar's house and they were all introducing themselves to me. they told me their name and one of his younger brother's proceeded to exaplain the meaning behind each person's name and did that for the rest of the week. it's great. now, even i will sometimes ask the meaning of someone's name. all i remember is 'baran' means rain and 'pasher' means king. i guess a name tries to signify the person's character. or maybe the character that the parents would hope that the child grows up to become.

actually, it links quite well to the bible. i always wondered why they always have the explaination of people's name. now i understand the importance. God has so many names. they signify his character. i especially like the name JEHOVAH and YAHWEH.

popped into McCoys yesterday with adriana. ended up having a coffee of somekind. i hate coffee. but it had cream on the top, so i drank it. the waiter was a pretty nice guy. adriana managed to find out his name, age, telephone number and what he does. pretty good, eh?! wish that i could have the confidence to do that.

reminiscence & nostalgia- grandmas

''Rise in the presence of the aged, show respect for the elderly and revere your God. I am the LORD.''
lev 19 v 32

i love my grandma.

my brother went to hong kong recently. he got back on sunday. i lent him my slr. went i got it back i found a couple of photos on it that he hasnt transferred onto his laptop yet. all of my grandma.

wu sau goon. she's been pretty ill for the last few month. we got a call from my auntie, mum's younger sister, yesterday to say that she had gone into hospital again. the doctor's bascially said to be prepared for anything. so, we spent the morning trying to change mum's ticket to an earlier flight and thinking about whether i should go back to visit. i havent seen her in over a year. in the end, mum decided that she didnt need to go back earlier. i was that close to buying a ticket for £930. but didn't. actually, my gut feeling is that she'll be ok this time. may be not for much longer. but i trust she's ok. i spoke to my auntie, mum's older sister, and she told me to pray. now, she's not really all that religious but she knows that God can help. amongst all this busyness, it's so easy to forget who's actually in control.

my other grandma is now with God. i had gone to canada to see my auntie get made a pastor. my grandma was relatively stable for her condition. she had had alzheimers for years. she was ok. until the day after my auntie's special day. it deteriorated after that. she couldn't eat and then it was downhill from there. i stayed at the hospital place. saw about 10 pastors come and bless her. i flew back to uk before she died. i was glad that i saw her.

see. life is so precious. you never know what'll happen. it's beyond our control, like a theif in the night.

reminiscence & nostalgia- feasts

''They feast in the abundance of your house; you give them drink from your river of delights.''
Psalm 36 v 8

as you can see, we had a rather large dinner last night. that's an understatement. we had a feast. us chinese people like to place food at the centre of everything. for example, other cultures like to dance, listen to music. nope, not us. we like to eat. good job chinese food is good stuff.

we gathered yesterday because lee, ann and elizabeth are leaving to live in london. after 4 years, they're going. it's sad, but thats just part of life. noone stays around forever. i just wish them all the best for everything. seems only yesterday that i had just met ann and lee. i remember going to their little flat in cottingham. i remember that ann cooked rabbit. i think thats one of the only times that i've ever eaten rabbit!

feasts are good fun. they bring people together. food makes people happy. wine makes people relaxed (we didnt have any last night), a good combination. we used to have more of these feasts, but people have gotten busier and it's hard to meet, so when we have these meets, it's pretty BIG. i remember back to the days of the church in Nottingham. once a month, we used to have pot luck- everyone used to just bring a dish and share it after the service. it was good.

we sang this song on sunday. it's taken me a while to find out what it's called, but it's a pretty good song. recently, i've liked to look more at the words. the lyrics are good.

I WILL SET MY FACE to seek the Lord,

I will set my face to seek the Lord,

Give my full attention to my God,

I will listen for His voice,

I will listen for His voice.

My Wonderful Counsellor,

My teacher, reminder,

Revealer, my healer,

My strengthener, repairer,

Refiner, my Jesus, my Saviour,

My wonderful God.

Forerunner and finisher,

My conqueror, deliverer,

Restorer, my hammer,

My fire, uniter,
Redeemer, my Jesus,

My wonderful God.

I will set my face to seek the Lord,

I will set my face to seek the Lord,

Give my full attention to my God,

I will listen for His voice,

I will listen for His voice.

Creator, defender,

My maker, instructor,

Commander, my warrior,

My shelter, my helper,

My leader, my Jesus, my Saviour,

My wonderful God.

My shepherd, my gatherer,

Refresher, rewarder,

Protector, inspirer,

Provider, my portion,

Forever, my Jesus, my Saviour,

My wonderful God.

last time i was with Salam. he told me to hold out my hand. he looked at it and pointed to the lines.. on one hand, it looks like 81 in arabic and the other hand 18. added together it makes 99; there are 99 names of allah. but i have a wonderful God, who has all the names under the universe. my favourite name is 'I am who I AM'. classic. i think that God has a sense of humour. he really does.

reminiscence & nostalgia- baptism

''everyone who believes in him receives forgiveness of sins through his name''
acts 10 v 43

chai tea latte at suncafe. my favourite drink, after mcdonald's hot chocolate. haven't had either for a long time.

there were baptisms at new life yesterday. a wonderful testimony. a new life for many, a conscious decision to show to their world that God was real in their life. i remember that i went to planet coffee after my baptism. that was an age and a half ago. honestly. have i grown? i guess not an awful lot in the right direction.

jarrod told a true story. a story of the yellow ribbon around the old oak tree. apparently it's a true story. of a man who had to go to prison, who had shamed his friends and family. just before he was due to be released, he wrote to wife. he said that he'd be making the long journey home by bus. he would be going past the house. if his wife wanted him to come home he asked her to tie a yellow ribbon around the oak tree outside the house and he would get off the bus and come home. however, if he wasnt forgive, don't tie a ribbon and he would stay on the bus and go elsewhere. but, he would still understand. of course his wife tied a ribbon, not one but one hundred. that's God's love for you.

I'm comin' home, I've done my time
Now I've got to know what is and isn't mine
If you received my letter telling you I'd soon be free
Then you'll know just what to do if you still want me
If you still want me Just tie a yellow ribbon 'round the old oak tree
It's been way too long, do you still want me?
If I don't see a ribbon 'round the old oak tree
I'll just stay on the bus, forget about us, put the blame on me
If I don't see a yellow ribbon 'round the old oak tree
Bus driver, please look for me 'Cause I couldn't bear to see what I might see
I'm really still in prison and my love, he holds the key
A simple yellow ribbon's all I need to set me free
I wrote and told him please...
Just tie a yellow ribbon 'round the old oak tree
It's been way too long, do you still want me?
If I don't see a ribbon 'round the old oak tree
I'll just stay on the bus, forget about us, put the blame on me If I don't see a ribbon 'round the old oak tree
Tie a yellow ribbon 'round that old oak tree
I'm coming home
Now the whole dang bus is cheerin' and I can't believe
I see a hundred yellow ribbons tied 'round the old oak tree
I'm comin' home, I'm glad you waited for me
Tie a yellow ribbon 'round the old oak tree
Tie a ribbon 'round the old oak tree
Tie a ribbon 'round the old oak tree
Tie a yellow ribbon if you still want me
Tie a yellow ribbon 'round the old oak tree
Tie a yellow ribbon 'round the old oak tree

another story. the lost son. or the forgiving father. no need for me to tell the story. God is that forgiving father, unmovable rock.

Almighty God, the great "I am'',
immovable rock, omnipotent, powerful, awesome Lord.
Victorious warrior, commanding King of Kings, mighty conqueror.
And the only time, the only time I ever saw Him run was when He ran to me.

He took me in His arms, held my head to His chest, said,
"My son's come home again,"
lifted my face, wiped the tears from my eyes.
With forgiveness in His voice He said, "Son, do you know I still love you?"
He caught me by surprise when God ran.

The day I left home I knew I'd broken His heart,
and I wondered then if things could ever be the same.
Then one night I remembered His love for me and down that dusty road ahead
I could see it was the only time,
it was the only time I ever saw Him run.

And then He ran to me.
He took me in His arms,
held my head to His chest, said,
"My son's come home again,"
lifted my face, wiped the tears from my eyes.
With forgiveness in His voice He said,
"Son, do you know I still love you?"
He caught me by surprise and He brought me to my knees when God ran.
I saw Him run to me.

I was so ashamed, all alone and so far away.
But now I know that He's been waiting for this day.
I saw Him run to me.
He took me in His arms, held my head to His chest and said,
"My son's come home again," lifted my face, wiped the tears from my eyes.
With forgiveness in His voice
I felt His love for me again.

He ran to me.
He took me in His arms, held my head to His chest and said,
"My son's come home again,"
lifted my face, wiped the tears from my eyes.
With forgiveness in His vice he said, "Son."
He called me son.
He said, "Son, do you know I still love you?"
He ran to me (When God ran I saw Him run to me) and I ran to Him,
(when God ran) when God ran.

thank you God. i really don't deserve it. at all.

reminiscence & nostalgia- wedding

''Since no man knows the future, who can tell him what is to come?''
Ecc 8 v 7

you might think what on earth this photo is of. it's a beautiful cocktail: pimms and lemonade. i'd never tried it before and it was divine. although, i only actually drank half of it. im a lightweight. i'll drink tons of apple juice, but give me alcohol....a few sips and i'm done.

it was erica and imad's wedding yesterday. it was such a beautiful day, despite the awful weather (but that was to be expected). i dunno, just the whole day was amazing. wedding's have this way of making you think. i think that if you're married, it reminds you of when you got married and if you're not married, it makes you want to get married! anyways, i had fun. a little. i'm way too conservative and quiet and not really willing to let loose and go party. but it was good. fahad pulled me onto the dance floor a couple of times and it was fun. unnatural for me. but fun. i guess the whole thing reminded me that it's ok to have fun. it's normal to be allowed to be happy and relax. i've been living in this dream depressive world for too long. it was good to emerge for a bit.

two out of the four speeches happened to mention me as the 'cupid matchmaker'. i remember when i introduced them to each other, about 2 years ago. i had gone to Ting's house with erica cuz she had literally just moved. erica had come up for the week to help her out. at that point, erica was single and we chatted about boys etc, as you do. she mentioned about a project and i happened to think about imad, cuz i kinda knew him and i knew that he was a reporter type of person. i phoned him up straight away, passed the phone to erica, and the rest is history. it's amazing how things turn out!

so, yeh, last night brought back memories of things. I don't often go places where there are so many people that i kinda know. i don't see the iraqi guys that often. they're fun, really they are!
however, i didn't manage to catch the bouquet.... may be next time! makes you wonder, is there really someone for me? should really change myself first. then someone will like me. I've met so many guys and watched them all get girlfriends. i'm not really girlfriend material. I don't really think that i'll get married, although nahro reckons that i will....who knows?..only God's knows....he holds the future in his hands.

independence

'' i have set my rainbow in the clouds, and it will be the sign of the covenant between me and the earth.''
genesis 9 v 13

today i don't feel like blogging about anything. my mind is blank. it hurts. it hurts so much that i can't sleep properly, despite the brand new mattress that i got.

everyone seeks to become independent. free from other people's control. but is that really good? as they say, ''no man is an island''. we all have to depend on someone. last night we were talking about whether we think that we're independent or not. actually, i always thought i i was pretty independent, capable of going around and doing the things that i wanted to do. i thought that i had a car and a job so i was pretty independent, may be i didn't need to rely on people that much. but, actually i'm wrong. i'm 26 and i'm nowhere near independent. i have no idea how to make any decisions or anything. i really don't know anything. no direction. i don't see the way forward anymore. don't even see the point of finishing my masters. so what, what next? just the same old. i'll always be one of those people who don't acheive things. did that in my a levels, so didnt get into medicine. did that at uni so didnt get a first. did that in getting a job, so got a random job that has no career prospects and now i'm back to working in a supermarket again. just hate everything right now. dunno what to do.

this time my head really does hurt. i'm ill. all cuz i cired too much the other day. never done that before. i'm getting quite good at this mental abuse of myself. it's not fun, but their's noone else to talk to. that's the only reason why my head is spinning, from thinking and telling myself too many things. used to like my diary. but right now. i don't even trust that.

so, where does God come into the picture? honestly, i don't know. i don't know how i can live for God. i've wrecked my life too much. may be there is no going back....

I have decided to follow Jesus
I have decided to follow Jesus
I have decided to follow Jesus

No turning back
No turning back

but, somewhere over the rainbow.....

Somewhere over the rainbow
Way up high,
There's a land that I heard of
Once in a lullaby.

Somewhere over the rainbow
Skies are blue,
And the dreams that you dare to dream
Really do come true.

Someday I'll wish upon a star
And wake up where the clouds are far
Behind me.
Where troubles melt like lemon drops
Away above the chimney tops
That's where you'll find me.

Somewhere over the rainbow
Bluebirds fly.
Birds fly over the rainbow.
Why then, oh why can't I?

If happy little bluebirds fly
Beyond the rainbow
Why, oh why can't I?

reminiscence & nostalgia- sunflowers

''There is a time for everything, and a season for every activity under heaven:

a time to be born and a time to die, a time to plant and a time to uproot,

a time to kill and a time to heal, a time to tear down and a time to build,

a time to weep and a time to laugh, a time to mourn and a time to dance,

a time to scatter stones and a time to gather them, a time to embrace and a time to refrain,

a time to search and a time to give up, a time to keep and a time to throw away,

a time to tear and a time to mend, a time to be silent and a time to speak,

a time to love and a time to hate, a time for war and a time for peace.''

Ecc 3 v 1-9

the picture today is suposed to be of a sunflower. but it's on another memory card, so i'll get it back later. we have a load of sunflowers in our back garden. i think it's the first time in Hull, for the last 14 years, we have not grown anything like this. so, it reminds me of nottingham. in my primary shcool, Fernwood Junior School, we all used to grow sunflowers in the summer. then, at the end of the summer, we would all bring them into school and see whose was the tallest. they were massive, like right upto the top of the ceiling of the gym. those were the days.

actually, i didn't really want to talk about the old school days as much as the days of nottingham. we lived in a nice little neighbourhood. pretty close to school. i remember going over to beth and rebecca's house after school sometimes when my parents were busy. i remember eating 'auntie kumkew's special chocolate sauce with ice-cream'. but i also remember the times spent with our next door neighbour may and herbert. they were like our grandparents. they gave us walkers crisps and kitkats, just like grandparents still do now. they would try and give us some money, remember our birthdays. they taught us to sing songs like 'my old man' and to play dominoes. i remember may would bake bread every week and you would be able to smell it. may passed away sometime ago, leaving herbert. he's been pretty good for his age. he passed away this week.

i've known an elderly couple for about 6 years now; eve and tom. tom's real name is actually andy, but we all call him tom. i got to know them through husso and volunteering at uni. we've taken them on shopping trips, pub dinners, blackpool and great yarmouth. tom's birthday is the day after mine, but 69 years apart. one year, we got a chinese takeways from round the corner to celebrate. i love visiting them. i recieved a message from eve last night to say that tom died in his sleep the night before.

so, life is too short. i regret not visiting both herbert and tom for such a long time. now it's too late. i wish i could visit my grandma and grandfather now. but, i've just trapped myself in this hole, with no way out.

new theme: reminiscence & nostalgia- graduation

''Forgetting what is behind and straining towards what is ahead, I press on towards the goal to win the prize for which God has called me heavenwards in Christ Jesus.''
Phil 3 v 14-15

i went to Jessica's graduation yesterday. it was a nice day. i like graduations; so full of hope for a new future. young people coming out into the 'real world', hoping to make an impact on the society, hoping to earn money, hoping to start a new life for themselves. i also love the parents. the proud mother and father who have brought their son or daughter up and is finally able to see the joy of them finishing their education. i love the way the parents look so smart and proud. i was sitting and waiting with Kate whilst Jessica went to have her photo taken. we overheard the people next to us. the parents wanted their daughter to stay with them because it was 'family day', yet the daughter replied 'this is my day, i've worked three years for this and i want to see my friends'. she didn't say it in a horrible way, but it didn't sound well for the ears. maybe we're all like that. selfish, forgetting why we're here and how we got here and just focus on ourselves. just as paul said; yes, we should forget the past. but that should be our past sinful nature and focus on reaching forward for God.

the photo is a bit blurry. that wasn't done on purpose. but i quite like it. it's almost like, yes...a relief and joy that graduation has finally come and you can move on, but also, the hopefully picture is a blur cuz life is not that easy-coming. i think back to my own graduation and i really can't remember much of it or of how i felt. all i know now is that I really aint moved on much from that day. I'm still in the same place, doing the same things. pretty damn useless. that's why i'm nostalgic about the past, cuz i wish that i had done something back then to change my life. now i'm sure that i'm going to be in the same situation that i am in for now, i have no energy to change. no energy to carry on. just want to disappear. i'm just watching people move on and i can't do the same for myself.

simple compassion : overflow

“Is not this the kind of fasting I have chosen:
to loose the chains of injustice
and untie the cords of the yoke,
to set the oppressed free
and break every yoke?
Is it not to share your food with the hungry
and to provide the poor wanderer with shelter—
when you see the naked, to clothe them,
and not to turn away from your own flesh and blood?
Then your light will break forth like the dawn,
and your healing will quickly appear;
then your righteousness will go before you,
and the glory of the LORD will be your rear guard.
Then you will call, and the LORD will answer;
you will cry for help, and he will say: Here am I.
isaiah 58 v 6-9

so, it's the end of the 52 day challenge of 'simple compassion'. have i done anything, have i learnt anything? to be honest, i can't say that i've changed. just made me think. i guess the challenge starts now, to shine, to overflow with God's love. to be the light. to show hope.

yesterday made me really think about money. people just work to chase money. it's a constant struggle; having to borrow money to pay someone else. never stopping. that's life. that's life in this country. the rich get richer. the poor get poorer. money does not buy happiness, but it sure is a lot more convinient to live if you have enough money to survive and pay the bills.

so, this is bayar and ali. both iraqi, different ethnicity; kurdish and arab. it was the football world cup in hull on sunday. it was an amazing event. 32 teams from different countries. there was an area with entertainment and food. i took the boys over where all this was happening.

ali: there's lots of iraqi food over there
me:you're in england, we should eat english food
ali: no, i don't like english food. it's pig

makes me laugh everytime, why do these kids, after living here for such a long time, still think that we only eat pork!! what happened to fish and chips!!!

simple compassion : treasures

“Do not store up for yourselves treasures on earth, where moths and vermin destroy, and where thieves break in and steal. But store up for yourselves treasures in heaven, where moths and vermin do not destroy, and where thieves do not break in and steal. For where your treasure is, there your heart will be also.''
matthew 6 v 19-21

to get life, you give it away. how willing am i to give my life away for Christ? what does God want me to give up in order to be able to live for him?

maggie. anna's older sister. she is so clever. well, at least for a three year old. i have never seen a child sit and have such patience with peeling and eating oranges or prawns. she was eating a lemon biscuit the other day and i asked her what flavour it was and she told me that it was biscuit flavoured. i love children so much!

actually, my dad was talking about treasures yesterday. can we be a treasure to someone else in our daily life?....

simple compassion : conspiracy

“Let anyone who is thirsty come to me and drink. Whoever believes in me, as Scripture has said, rivers of living water will flow from within them.”
john 7 v 37-38

worship more. spend less. give more. love all.

this is my father having a reflective moment. i think that i need to give him more space to have more of these moments. sometimes, i think that i just push him to the limit.

simple compassion : hope

''Religion that God our Father accepts as pure and faultless is this: to look after orphans and widows in their distress and to keep oneself from being polluted by the world.''
james 1 v 27

anna. she's just gone one years old. she has a beautiful smile. when she was born, she contracted menigitus and had to stay in hospital for a while. but she's properly better from that. havent seen her in a while. i reckon she might just be walking now, she was pretty close last time! however, crawling is a pretty efficient way of travelling..babies can move quite fast on their hands and knees!!!

hope. we are to bring hope to this dark and dreary world. be the light in the darkness. just as Jesus was.

simple compassion : talents

''if anyone is poor among your people in any of the towns of the land that the Lord your God is giving you, do not be hardhearted or tightfisted toward them, rather, be openhanded and freely lend them whatever they need''
deut 15 v 7-8

bayar ahmed. baran's brother. he's a dude. i've spent a lot of time with him over the past couple of years. i've watched him grow, his English improve and other aspects of life. funny, i remember exactly him wearing this same t-shirt last year....surely he should have gotten bigger?!! heehee...
he's a good kid, just he spends half of his life being interupted by his parents telling him to do stuff. he's a dead good older brother to baran though...

see...baran's practically walking now. and he's not even 11 months!

simple compassion : hands

''i have engraved you on the palms on my hands''
isaiah 49 v 16

God will not forget us. he will never let us go. so, we too should not forgot those who are in need as well.

haw chen. i think that's his name. he's so so so cute. i met him when he was just one week old, because i went to interpret for his mum. i saw the nurse do the heel prick test on him! there's one thing that stands out about him the most. yes, it's his eyes. he has beautifully LARGE eyesballs. my friend said that he has 'Froddo eyes'...haha....dunno whether that complimentary or insulting to this little child!!

so, i'm off to sheffield today. not for a random road, but to visit the Home Office. i'm going with Shano and her family because she's applying for indefinite leave to remain in the UK. there should be no reason why she should get refused. the rest of the family are all British and she's forfilled all the other requirements, plus she has to pay an extortionate amount of money for this. £1350 to be exact. that is ridiculous. some people talk about buying citizenship. i pretty much believe it.

however, there is a lot of pressure and anxiety, understandablly. i'm a bit worried. i always find myself in some kind of a strange situation. this is a strange scenario, especially since i won't understand what they're talking about. but i'll have bayar to talk to, or the baby to play with. it'll be ok. I'm just praying that she gets granted, or else i really don't know what to do.

simple compassion : challenged

''But the fruit of the Spirit is love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness and self-control.''
galatians 5 v 22-23

jonathan. my dearest brother. admittedly, i have to say that we have a love-hate relationship...probably edging slightly towards the hate-side most of the time, but i do love him and would do anything for him at the end of the day. he's gone to hong kong today. two weeks. and i was crazy enough to lend him my dslr camera, my baby.....

everyone seems to be in hk this summer. whats the attraction? food, shopping, weather?....well we've been getting great weather, we can do cheap shopping in primarni and we can good great msg-free food at home...no need to travel all that way. i love hk really, just not the way that i get sucked in the material way of life so easily.

so, we're challenged. challenged to live the way that God wants us to. to be different. to be fishers of men for Christ.....

simple compassion : change

''blessed are they who maintain justice, who constantly do what is right''
psalm 106 v 3

be the change you wish to see in the world. can my actions/decisions really have some impact on the world around me?

this is Rita, a master student from chongqing, china. she's so so sweet. her jouney as a christian has been pretty amazing over the last half year. i met her in february i think. she became a christian on good friday and was baptised at the beginning of june. real life change.
really, i love her; a dear dear sister in Christ, a beautiful person.

simple compassion : freedom

''Keep me free from the trap that is set for me,
for you are my refuge.
I will be glad and rejoice in your love,
for you saw my affliction
and knew the anguish of my soul.
You have not given me into the hands of the enemy
but have set my feet in a spacious place''
psalms 31 v 4, 7-8

.

Ronia. her favourite pastime is crying. honestly, everytime, she just cries. it's almost hilarious. but, when i saw her on wednesday, she was pretty good. i could see that she had actually grown up a bit. she literally sat down for like half an hour, just eating crisps, and then later (not surprisingly) refused to eat any dinner. she's just got a new younger sister. her mum gave birth on wednesday night at 9.07pm to a baby girl, around 4kg. i'm sure that she'll make a good sister.

freedom. we all want freedom. some people need it more than others. every year we have the FREEDOM festival in hull. it was originally started a couple years ago in aid of the wilberforce commemorations. it's a good event, but i think that somehow the message is lost in translation. it's all about the music and the bright lights. actually, it should be a celebration of freedom. freedom for a lot of people. however, despite what wilberforce did, slavery still happens in some shape or form. traffiking is one. Lord, how can be stop these things?

Lord, may you grant us your grace and mercy and give true freedom to all who seek your face.