Sunday, 18 September 2011

Saturday, 17 September 2011

tired

tired. im tired of myself. tired of my life. my non-directional life, which is going backwards
i am not going anywhere, not acheiving anything.

God, I need to know what to do

spent half of the day in ASDA. serving customers who have their own lives....they have their friends, partners, parents, children.
who am i spending my days with?....work?.... i think that i'lll just grow-up a sad and lonely person

hate being this depressive. but i can't get out of it. the more i think, the deeper i get. the less i think, the further i go away from where i want to be. i want a close friend, someone to share with. but i am such an unopen person. it sucks. why do i fail to open up and relax. why don't i let myself relax and enjoy myself.


why oh why Gloria?

why can't i just hide away or just disappear

Friday, 16 September 2011

today

my day.



1. woke up to be told by my brother that he wishes that i die today.
2. helped youyou move house, again. my little car can actually fit ALOT of stuff inside it.
3. proofread for coursemate, who has written something that resembles a PhD, rather than a masters. his English is 100% better than mine. no idea why he asked me for help.
4. proofread for another person
5. made a cake. the first one in a long time....it tasted good!
6. visited salam, to wish him happy birthday. ended up phoning jobcentre for his housemate. the call lasted an hour; how ridiculously long is that?
7. went to work. man,...i'll miss that place.
8.home, to have dinner with some old friends/visitors from HK
9. back to proofreading


what a life.....

Thursday, 15 September 2011

horrible d



arghhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh.......dissertation.

i have never handed anything in late. never asked for an extension. ever. in all of my many years of study.never. until now.
my very last piece of work.

why is it so hard....

why oh why oh why....

i'm going to hand in my resignation letter to ASDA today. i have to. but, actually i love it there. i feel that i've finally settle in a little bit and getting to know the people there. there's really so much to learn from people- my colleagues and customers. it's so so interesting. it's almost my only chance to be around English people. yep, i'm one of these people who has completely emersed myself into a completely different world called BME! I'm ending up speaking a random mix of English which is not quite grammatically correct as i'm now too used to speaking in fragments, my cantonese is rubbish as i dont speak it too much and my mandarin is half-and -half i.e. i pretend that i understand but i don't know half of what's being said and can probably speak a quarter. sigh...

dissertation....dissertation....go away!....


Wednesday, 14 September 2011

love hurts.

Friday, 26 August 2011

why am i such a failure
what the hell is wrong with me

Friday, 5 August 2011

prayer & fasting day 3: Younas

“The unfolding of your words gives light; it gives understanding to the simple.”
Psalm 119 v 130



there is literally no time to do anything anymore. honestly. it's awful. my advice to anyone who wants a life....don't get a job that requires you to use your brain. i'm stressed already and this was only my first week. there's targets, things gotta move fast and i honestly have no idea what i'm doind and how on earth i'm suposed to do it. how am i going to cope?

I met with Younas yesterday to talk about work. he taught me a bit about how he teaches English. it's pretty good, I think that there's a lot to be learnt actually. if I left a few of my jobs, then i could have more time to volunteer or not to worry about things that much. but that would mean for sure that i can't move out....until I wait for the pay slip at the end of this month to see how much i get per month, and then reassess....sigh....

I really admire Younas. he's dedicated, good at what he does and incredibily funny. he set up the English classes himself and how has a full-time programme. many lessons to be learnt from him. he comes from Pakistan, where he was teaching and his whole family teach. he said that he taught, is teaching and will always be teaching.

I guess there is always something new to be learnt!

Thursday, 4 August 2011

prayer & fasting day 3: Alia

''He guides the humble in what is right and teaches them his way.''
psalm 25 v 9



where am i going in life? i'm just busying myself so so much. have no time to think straight. i'm physically tired aswell. my body can't cope. when am i going to have time to rest? i need to rest. just feel myself going round and round in circles.

Alia. she's from Pakistan. it's so funny, another example of how small hull is. i've just started a job. she's on the same team. she used to be my volunteer at arkh. we got talking and she used to live in nottingham until 1998! what a coincidence!

it's cool how everywhere i go i'm meeting people who are muslims. they are such lovely people. Honestly. i just wish that i could share God's love.

Wednesday, 3 August 2011

prayer & fasting day 2: Qania

''Offer hospitality to one another without grumbling.''
1 peter 4 v 9




Qania. a lovely lovely woman, mother, husband, friend. she came to UK 3 years ago with her two kids. now she has three. if Qania isn't cooking, she's cleaning, if she's not doing that she's making tea or trying to get you to eat or try any food in the house. it's great! she is able to make a lot of different things, the most interesting thing i tried was like a watermelon skin jam type thing. mmm....pretty strange. i saw her yesterday and she was so tired. felt for her. then she started cooking!

fasted till 6pm yesterday. it was ok actually.

i'm just too tired these days. i can't concentrate on dissertation. not sure what to do.

Tuesday, 2 August 2011

prayer & fasting day 1: Shano

''For the Lamb at the centre of the throne will be their shepherd; he will lead them to springs of living water. And God will wipe away every tear from their eyes.''
Rev 7 v 17



this month, i am going to pray for a muslim everyday. as you can see, i'm already one day behind. but it's ok. yesterday, i tried to fast. i lasted till about 12 noon and then they gave us lunch. it would have been a bit strange if i said that i was fasting, so i ate. may be i'm going to try to fast for breakfast and pray instead. that is if my will power allows me to!

Shano. she is one of my best friends actually. makes me laugh when i say that cuz they always say to me that i'm their best friend and i never believe them cuz i think that they must have so many other friends and besides, out communication is incredibility minimal. but, im actually saying this truthfully. when my grandma died, she was the first person that i told. she's like my mother, except that she's actually younger than me. may be cuz she's got two kids and a husband....she's certainity more 'grown-up' and sensible than me. Shano is the best person at cooking. she can make anything and makes it good. and her tea is the best. this perfection is probably fuelled by the fact that her husband has high expectations and also does things very well. it's funny when you look over the last couple of years. she only came to UK on 4/6/09. been practically living at their house. she is amazingly good at English, for someone who didn't really go to school and only learnt English on and off for one year. i can have conversations and we can understand each other pretty much ok.

so, i pray that God will bless Shano. give her good health and energy to look after her family. Lord, give her joy and peace. Lord, i also ask that you will be able to give her an opportunity to learn English again, i know that she would love to be able to go to college again. Lord, i also ask that you will be able to give me the opportunity to share with her your love. Lord, may i be a witness to the people around me. Lord, may i be the person in this community that can live out and shine the light for you. in His precious name. amen

Sunday, 31 July 2011

reminiscence & nostalgia- school

''Like newborn babies, crave pure spiritual milk, so that by it you may grow up in your salvation, now that you have tasted that the Lord is good.''
1 peter 2 v 2-3




we all have to grow up at some point in time.

have to grow up to face responsibilites, make decisions....marry, pay the bills, look after other people, have kids, care for family....
so, claire got married yesterday. it was a beautiful beautiful wedding, like a dream. just imagine pride and prejiduce, it was just like that.

it was good to see anne again, after such a long time. good to catch up and remember the old times. but, now i realise that it's not actually that good to look back at the past, cuz thats already happened, it's only a memory. it's better to focus on the future, on the now. more important to see what we're doing now. i actually felt quite out of place. may be cuz i was depressed, but may be cuz i'm just totally now used to being in that environment. for one, i dont actually think that i've hung out with so many English people before in a long while. the culture, mentality, experiences are so different to the refugees and asylum seekers that i'm used to hanging out with. it really is. exactly where do i belong? no wonder i seem to have lost myself.

it's the start of Ramadan tomorrow. 30 days of fasting for the muslims, that is the majority of my friends. last year i managed 10 days. i think that i'm not going to do any. don't think that i can face it, and don't think that i need to. but i think that i should finish this theme of nostalgia and change....change to praying for God's will to be done. a 30 days of prayer.

Saturday, 30 July 2011

i'm finally getting out of this city this weekend. havent been out in ages. it's finally claire's wedding. and the weather is not very nice. typical.

my ears are still blocked...i guess i'm going to have to be saying a lot of ''what'' and ''pardon''!!

Friday, 29 July 2011

reminiscence & nostalgia- move on

“I press on towards the goal to win the prize for which God has called me heavenwards in Christ Jesus.”
phil 3 v 14





so, i am going to go to HK in the end. what craziness.

i suddenly decided yesterday that i'd take one last look at the tickets and then give up. if i didn't go then i really dunno when i'll go back again. so i'll be there. for 3 days. yep, that's me....trying to cram too many things together as usual!

actually, im afraid to go. dunno really what to expect, what to say to people. i'm not sure of myself anymore, not sure of my studies or my work. what a stupid life i lead. this little pukka is from ages ago. i remember i got it at the Peak. life was good then. i was simple. now, all i've done is clutter up my life. meaningful junk.

but, i can't spend my whole life looking back and wanting what i don't have now, i can't pine after all those things that i havent acheived. i should really be thankful for all that God has given me. thankful for his blessings.

i should move on.

Thursday, 28 July 2011

''and anyone who does not take his cross and follow me is not worthy of me''
matt 10 v 38




there's this new noodle bar in town. no idea whether it's any good, but judging from looking at all the past shops that have opened in that area, they have all only lasted a couple of months. let's hope that it lasts a little longer....

so, mum has gone to HK. in fact she's on the plane now, due to fly in 5 minutes. wish that i had the courage to walk ahead. i really can't see what on earth i'm doing. i'm meant to be starting a new job on monday. i'm dreading it, cuz i really can't remember how to work. at all. totally forgotten. all i want to do these days is just be at home. i've finished the lazy student life of nothingness and now i'm back to where i was. having to wake up early and work all day.

i'm so damned lost.

Wednesday, 27 July 2011

reminiscence & nostalgia- fasting

''I turned to the Lord God and pleaded with him in prayer and petition, in fasting, and in sackcloth and ashes.''
daniel 9 v 3



kulitza. or something like that. there are all different types...some with figs, coconut, nuts. they really are quite delicious. they make this occassionally, but especially for ramadan. i guess it's a kinda nice snack for the evening time.

i can't quite believe that ramadan has come again so soon. not that it really affects me. when the world outside looks at this, it seems like it's a pretty strange practise, but actually, it kinda unites people together. nabaz told me yesterday that he was looking forward to it. last year i fasted for 10 days. not cuz i'm muslim but just to see what it's like. i remember one year, i was fasting and went over to qania's house to cook chinese food for them. couldn't taste anything before we ate!!

Tuesday, 26 July 2011

reminiscence & nostalgia- pearls

''The kingdom of heaven is like treasure hidden in a field. When a man found it, he hid it again, and then in his joy went and sold all he had and bought that field.''
matt 13 v 44



this bracelet is not made of pearls. quite the opposite. but it's quite pretty all the same. taking this photo reminds me of times with adriana. it's so funny. i'll take photos of anything, mostly of food. so, i hang around with my big fat camera and adriana just reaaranges everything around me for me to photograph. i remember one time when we were in planet coffee. i got some amazing shot, just of the coffee, some of her jewellery and a splattering of brown sugar for effect!

i'm not really a jewllery person. i usually only ever wear my two necklaces which i never take off. my cross that mum gave me on my baptism and the one which grandma gave to my mum on hers, and my other necklace that contains some of the stone from my grandma's wedding ring, which was made when my grandfather died. funny, i didn't realise it actually, but both are really linked to my grandma.

you know, how important is that kingdom of heaven to me? am i prepared to let all things go in order to do God's will. i think that my problem is that i spend all my energy trying to find out exactly what i think God wants me to do, that i miss the kingdom.

re-focus....

Monday, 25 July 2011

reminiscence & nostalgia- bridges

''For as high as the heavens are above the earth, so great is his love for those who fear him;as far as the east is from the west, so far has he removed our transgressions from us.''
psalm 103 v 11-12



the humber bridge. the pride and joy of hull. or not. it's 30 years old. one of the longest spanning suspension bridges. a pretty beautiful sight. it costs £2.70 one way. a bit of a rip-off. but you can choose to walk the distance if you feel like it.

actually this bridge brings back many memories. we used to come here sometimes for walks as a family. i've brought bunch of refugees and asylum seekers here with the friendship group. we came here with church. we took the women's group to 'try' to float some candles into the sea but it didnt work cuz it was too windy. i've been here with the boys. i've come here when i been happy and depressed. the bridge is beautiful both by day and night.

bridge to life.

what is my life path. just this morning we were chatting about how a salmon fish dies after they give birth. they are 'goal orientated'. they done what they were destined to do and it is finished. simple. what am i meant to be doing?...

i love going to new life and listening to jarrod. he's pretty animated and the things that he says makes sense. he's very good at telling stories. yesterday he told of a man who changed his life, his family's life and ultimately his grandchildren and so on. he decided to buy rocking chair so that he could spend just 15 minutes a day talking with God. that 15 minutes changed lives. it is prayer and time spent with God that matters. thats what builds up relationship, changes our lives.

i just feel disappointed in myself. disappointed about how i never learn from my own mistakes. Lord, I really dunno where to run. i really don't.
Link
i'm dying to go to HK. dunno why, but i just want to. may be i dont need to. but i would love to. but deep down, i know i won't. i love my grandma, i really do. this morning i looked at my teddy. my me-to-you bear that i take everywhere; the one that i take on the plane (still at the age of 25), he's been to canada, hk, lebanon, iraq. my grandma named him 'precious' (in Chinese).

i need a new life.

OUR GOD
chris tomlin
Water You turned into wine
Open the eyes of the blind
There's no one like You
None like You
Into the darkness You shining
Out of the ashes we rise
There's no one like You
None like You

CHORUS

Our God is greater, our God is stronger
God You are higher than any other
Our God is Healer, awesome and power
Our God, Our God...

Into the darkness you shining

Out of the ashes we Rise
There's no One like You
None like You.

Our God is greater, our God is stronger

God You are higher than any other
Our God is Healer, awesome and power
Our God, Our God...
Our God is greater, our God is stronger
God You are higher than any other
Our God is Healer, awesome and power
Our God, Our God...
BRIDGE
And if Our God is for us, then who could ever stop us
And if our God is with us, then what can stand against?
And if Our God is for us, then who could ever stop us
And if our God is with us, then what can stand against?
What can stand against?

Our God is greater, our God is stronger

God You are higher than any other
Our God is Healer, awesome and power
Our God, Our God...
Our God is greater, our God is stronger
God You are higher than any other
Our God is Healer, awesome and power
Our God, Our God...

And if Our God is for us, then who could ever stop us

And if our God is with us, then what can stand against?
And if Our God is for us, then who can ever stop us
And if our God is with us, then what can stand against?
Then what can stand against?
Then what can stand against?

Our God is greater, our God is stronger

God You are higher than any other
Our God is Healer, awesome and power
Our God, Our God...
Our God is greater, our God is stronger
God You are higher than any other
Our God is Healer, awesome and power
Our God, Our God...

Sunday, 24 July 2011

reminiscence & nostalgia- heaven

''Lift up your eyes to the heavens, look at the earth beneath; the heavens will vanish like smoke, the earth will wear out like a garment and its inhabitants die like flies. But my salvation will last for ever, my righteousness will never fail.''
Isaiah 51 v 6




so, my grandma passed away yesterday. my beloved grandmother.

Saturday, 23 July 2011

reminiscence & nostalgia- breakfast


''Do not conform any longer to the pattern of this world, but be transformed by the renewing of your mind. Then you will be able to test and approve what God's will is— his good, pleasing and perfect will.''
romans 12 v 2



a snapshot of part of a typical kurdish breakfast.

i love the kurdish breakfast. so simple. usually, it consists of a spread of cheese [paneer] (this time there was mozarella and cheese triangles), yoghurt [mast], fried eggs [helka], and bread [naan, samoon], jam, and sometimes olives [zeitun], honey [henduin], walnut in the shell[druiz], tahini and other stuff. there is always freshly brewed strong sweet black tea.

i've eaten this breakfast at rizgar's house in hawler (Kurdistan), at nakhshin's family in Soran (kurdistan), at Rizgar's brother's house in sulymania (Kurdistan), with baktear's family at their house and also out of the back of their car, with mustafa's family eaten at 'lunchtime', with rashida who is a morroccan lady married to a kurdish guy, with alaa and ahmed who were very proud of their naan (which they bought from the arabic, NOT kurdish, shop).

in kurdistan, rizgar's mum was the first person to get up and prepare all the breakfast. it was like her job to stay there to make sure that everyone in the household had breakfast, whatever time they got up. she would lay it all out dead early in the morning, and make the tea. the tea is the best thing. not sure why, but it's a great start to the morning. rizgar's dad would always go and buy the samoon (bread) , apart from one day a week when it was rizgar's youngest brother's job to go. i went with him. and also once with rizgar's other brother when we were in sulimanyia. i watched the bread being made and ate it straight out of the oven. the ends of the bread is the best part. i learnt to eat bread with honey and walnut it's so nice. bread dipped in yoghurt is also something that i find normal, rather than alien since it doesn't really feature in chinese cuisine.

actually, it always astounds me when i think about how all of these kurdish people manage to keep their culture maintain almost exactly what they did in their own country in a new environment. really, it does. i can go to most households and i'd pretty much know what to expect. i've been reading a bit recently about the kurds, and about how they've had to fight for their culture and identity. may be thats why they hold on so tightly to it. however, it is also interesting how people adapt their food when they're in a different country. many of the kurdish like to use clotted cream to eat with jam and bread, for breakfast. in england, we only ever eat clotted cream and jam with scones for afternoon tea!

reminds me of daniel in a foreign land. he was given all the best things in the land, yet he still asked for simplicity. he relied and trusted in God to guide his path. he did not conform to the ways of the people around him. he was strong.

Friday, 22 July 2011

reminiscence & nostalgia- growing

''And Jesus grew in wisdom and stature, and in favour with God and men.''
luke 2 v 52



you've got to love little kids. especially when they get to the age when they're learning to talk, just past the mono-word stage and into the creating new sentences and words phase. it's so cute. yesterday, I was with a few kids. we had a new soft toy- dory the forgetful fish from finding nemo. one kid took it and said that was a fish. correct. closely followed by a sentence saying that fish tastes very nice. the next kids said exactly the same thing. wow. they are so typically chinese! how does that happen?!!!

i guess we all take traits from our parents, whether good or bad. it's inevitable, if you spent such a long time with them, and oh of course, its in your genes.

it would have been pretty interesting to see how Jesus was as a child. what did he do? how was he with his other siblings? how was he with his mum and dad? well...he followed in the footsteps of both his earthly and heavenly father. his mother remembered all that he did and put them into her heart. so, i guess he should have been a pretty good son.....