tired

absolutely knackered. mum and dad decided that it would be a good idea for them to arrive home after 3am. of course i woke up. could not get back to sleep for ages, even though i really needed and wanted to. sigh. just got up at before 6.30am.....man, it's gunna be one hell of a long day.

“In God, whose word I praise, in God I trust;
I will not be afraid.
What can mortal man do to me?”
Psalm 56 v 4

do not be afraid. i'm lucky. there's nothing pressing that i need to be afraid of. i'm in a relatively safe county. why are so many people in danger that they hve to run. so many asylum seekers and refugees. I just wish i could understand more by listening to their stories. this world is such a sad place. Lord, come and take your place; restore your throne. May YOUR will be done on this earth as it is in heaven.

i don't actually have to go into ARKH tomorrow. pretty excited about that. think that being in that place drives me insane. although the weather was good today and so i felt better. had a funny walk with kadir in town. had to go the long way into the shops cuz he was smoking. i find that i've come across such random people during my time at work. just today i met two new people interested in volunteering..who are absolutely different, and from such different walks of life. i would never have dreamed to meet them in a million years!

have a training for jacksons, no sorry Sainsbury's tomoro. thought i could get away with getting up late, but have to get to Kaylee's for 8am. man, that's crazy...i have to get out of the house before i usually do. no rest for the wicked, eh?

ok-ish

yeh. i feel slightly more enthusiastic now. i can feel it when I start to get really random ideas and get carried away...
i think that i like to feel useful.
also, i feel loved cuz the boys bought chicken and chips for us to share. this time they even got some bread! man, it's great. although my lunch got slightly ruined by the fact that my volunteer came and so i'm now eating cold food, listening to the guys talking in kurdish. sigh, life is so interesting

annoyed...or just impatient?

just went to pick up some stuff from VOLCOM where you can borrow stuff for free. ok. so got there. the lady gave me the two (rather heavy)items; two boxes, one of which was full of wood and the other metal. 'kindly' helped me to kick the boxes to the door and then left me. nice.

makes me think about the way i treat people. it's little things that niggle people, not necessarily big things.

Try Praying Day 7

"No eye has seen,
no ear has heard,
no mind has conceived
what God has prepared for those who love him''
1 corinthians 2 v 9

i wonder what God has in store for me.

God, why do i feel so crap. I just can't do it anymore. spent the whole of yesterday feeling shit. partly cuz of work; nothing to do nobody really to talk to, room full of men speaking foreign language. where do i fit in? i don't even know why i bother sometimes. the future is so unclear. it's not scary cuz part of me doesn't care. what is up with me.......why am i so depressed.

on a brighter note, i made some bailey's ice-cream last night (don't ask me why i decided to start at 11.30pm). tried it this morning and it is DELISH! mmm.....

so, it's the end of the trypraying for 7 days thing. what have i got out of it? nothing special. probably cuz i aint followed it properly and i've spent the majority of the last couple of weeks depressed, i have had a few more chances to talk to people, which has been great. had a few chances to talk to muslims and have debate which has been eye-opening a bit. yeh, pray ain't just for 7 though, it's a lifestyle. I've just come to realise how important it is to read the scripture and to know exactly what i believe. need to stand firm in the truth. not just blind faith.

Try Praying Day 6

When Jesus spoke again to the people, he said, "I am the light of the world. Whoever follows me will never walk in darkness, but will have the light of life." John 8 v 12

Here I am! I stand at the door and knock. If anyone hears my voice and opens the door, I will come in and eat with him, and he with me. Revelation 3 v 20

there are so many things that wreck my life. i'm wasting my life away. how can i really be the light. the light so that the world can see. that is a great promise that we only need to knock and we can enter. thank you God.

you know, i realised yesterday just how important it is to know what exactly i believe and i really don't know. i've almost got a blind faith which is useless. had a few discussions about islam with a few muslims. it's pretty interesting and i can see how each religion can sound just as convincing as each other. how can we be sure that christianity is the way? that is, because each different reliegion has a god, that 'seems' to do miracles and stuff like that, how can people tell. Lord, i'm so confused. i truely believe, but i think that i need to seek more. what is so different about christians. islam is growing, yet the number of christians is los growing. if christianity really is the truth.....there are so many many unreached people, all of whom have a strong belief and actually already know about the Bible and jesus, and believe differently. Lord, can you open up people's lives and change them. Lord, nothing is impossible with you. only you are the light, the whole world walks in darkness.

sigh. this world is so confusing. i wish that we could be living back in the garden of eden. paradise, idylic. walking with God in the garden everyday. I wish. we can only dream.

Try Praying Day 5

This, then, is how you should pray:
'Our Father in heaven,
hallowed be your name,
your kingdom come,
your will be done
on earth as it is in heaven.
Give us today our daily bread.
Forgive us our debts,
as we also have forgiven our debtors.
And lead us not into temptation,
but deliver us from the evil one.'
For if you forgive men when they sin against you, your heavenly Father will also forgive you. But if you do not forgive men their sins, your Father will not forgive your sins.
Matthew 6 v 9-13

been away from this for a few days cuz it's been the bank holiday weekend. there really are so many disasters in the world. there was another aftershock in china on sunday. about 5.8. puts our little one experienced a couple of months ago seem like nothing. i listen to the news and it's literally all full of teenagers being murdered. by one another. for no particular reason. probably cuz they're bored. man, what is this world? Lord, how can your will be done on this EARTH, when it's looking like this? where is the kingdom of heaven on this earth?

How great is our God

The splendor of a King, clothed in majesty

Let all the earth rejoice

All the earth rejoice

He wraps himself in Light, and darkness tries to hide

And trembles at His voice

Trembles at His voice

How great is our God, sing with me

How great is our God, and all will see

How great, how great is our God

Age to age He stands

And time is in His hands

Beginning and the end Beginning and the end

The Godhead Three in One

Father Spirit Son

The Lion and the Lamb

The Lion and the Lamb

How great is our God, sing with me

How great is our God, and all will see

How great, how great is our God

Name above all names

Worthy of all praise

My heart will sing

How great is our God

Name above all names

Worthy of all praise

My heart will sing

How great is our God

How great is our God, sing with me

How great is our God, and all will see

How great, how great is our God

how great would it be too see and hear the whole world sing this in a huge massive gigantic chorus. singing to the almghty one. Lord, heal this land. this land that is so full of sin. suffering. hurt. we're lost. but Lord, lead us to be lost; not in sin, but in wonder, awe and majesty at your glory and splendour. thank you for all that you've created. the beauty of the universe. thank you for your blood. Lord, thank you for listening and answering prayer. you really are the one true God.

we went to the humber bridge yesterday. it was nice. i was pleasently surprised. I don't really like doing this type of thing 1)cuz there'e not usual anyone my age, and 2) cuz i destest moving around and would rather sit at home and sleep. anyways it was great to have a church day out. it was proper windy on the way back and i got so wind swept it was unbelievable. made me realise just how beautiful my surroundings are. i'm so engrossed in all the crap that's around me, but there is lots more. again, i just need to go and open my eyes to it.

so, i'm back to work and have nothing in particular to do with myself. i have LESS than one month left of work here. To be honest, i'm pretty scared. i really don't know what the direction is....can i trust and obey. is it that easy? Lord, please close the doors for me to the places that you don't want me to go.

Try Praying Day 4

And without faith it is impossible to please God, because anyone who comes to him must believe that he exists and that he rewards those who earnestly seek him.

Hebrews 11 v 6

not really in the right frame of mind. again.

dunno and don't care

i just wanna cry and die. not quite sure why.

work is so dire. there's no point of me being here, there really isn't. everyone else here is bored. that or stressed. salam is going on the polish dating website, kadir-god knows what and i'm on bbc iplayer watching apprentice:you're fired. oh, and pat was printing stuff about dissolving the charity. fantaastic. such a lovely place to be.

i just want to leave today. now.

i just need something to do. argh. there is absolutely nothing to do apart from trying to contact volunteers which does not work, unless they want to claim back money. haven't been able to contact this one volunteer, until i checked the mail today. yep, she wanted to claim back £100. great. it's not the money which is annoying, it's just how people pick and choose when they want to stay in touch. i'm not that horrible am i?.....

Try Praying Day 3

"The Spirit of the Lord is on me,

because he has anointed me

to preach good news to the poor.

He has sent me to proclaim freedom for the prisoners

and recovery of sight for the blind,

to release the oppressed,

to proclaim the year of the Lord's favor."

Luke 4 v 18-19

umm...i'm not in the right frame of mind to think or to care. I'm surprised at myself for simply not wanting to talk or to do anything. what am i doin? i just want to ignore the world and not care. I'm half way there. wanna rebel and run away. yet, the verse today says that the spirit has anointed me. what does that mean? this trypraying book thing does not really make sense. i have no idea how it all fits together. it's probably cuz i'm not thinking proper. i'm fed up with myself.

release the oppressed...thinking of the people in burma, where their own people can't even help those in need in their own country. it's so sad. devastating. how can they see light at the end of the tunnel. then you think back to the fall of the berlin wall. that literally took years of persistant prayer and finally people were set free. we can look forwards to the day that we can be set free from all this shite. hate that word, but thats what this world is: shit

argh....what the hell is wrong with me?

football

can't believe that Man Utd won, on penalties. I absolutely HATE watching it, it's agony. personally i've always been against Man Utd. But somehow, I felt so sorry for Ronaldo (just cuz he's dead gorgeous) and wanted them to win. cannot beleive myself. football is such an emotional game...it brings tears to grown men's eyes. strange isn't it. strange how we would never dream of crying over a broken relationship, yet weep when our team loses. what it is about football and other sports and competitions that does that to people or nations. I used to love it when England were really good. used to watch all the world cups and euro championship, and cry with the nation when we lost out due to penalties time and time again. now, we can't even get into the euro. I kinda wish that i was going to wembly on saturday to see hull city. i well and truely hope that they can win.

texted kadir when man utd won:
me: oh, manchester won
kadir: yes girl

classic. absolutely brilliant. i love it! that's what i'm gunna miss when i leave arkh.

rAnDoM tHoUgHtS

i feel so sad.
i need to cry. my dad doesn't give a damn. whats the point? apparently i'm old enough so he doesn't need to bother with me. fine. I guess i can't get it into my stupid thick head.
I just don't matter.

how does God fit into this all? surely God's good. maybe i'm screwed up. been speanding too much time at work doing nothing. noone to care about me. all i end up doing is giving some poor person a zillion missed calls a day. why can't i get it. need to accept it. why is it so difficult.

i'm randomly spending alot of time with the guys at work. it's fun. i like being stupid. i don't get to do that very often. wind people up. I love seeing all the guys progress and move on. it's great.

no, i can't forgive myself about dad. I just dunno why i always want him to notice me or to find some interest in me. end up pushing him over the edge and then he says something that i feel sad about, but he's obliviuos to it all. what is wrong with me, i belong in hell. maybe i should just die here. now.

but i can't. you see all the proper bad stuff thats happening around me. my dad dunt care, so whats new. thats pretty normal for half the world's population, why should i be different.

i'm tired now. ooh...ronaldo is looking pretty fine on the pitch tonight. it's the champions final in moscow: chelsea v manchester. i so shouldn't have stayed up so late to read my book. stupid me.

Try Praying Day 2

I sought the LORD, and he answered me;

he delivered me from all my fears.
Those who look to him are radiant;

their faces are never covered with shame.

This poor man called, and the LORD heard him;

he saved him out of all his troubles.

The angel of the LORD encamps around those who fear him,

and he delivers them.

Taste and see that the LORD is good;

blessed are those who take refuge in him.

Fear the LORD, you his holy people,

for those who fear him lack nothing.

Psalm 34 v 4-9

we only need to ask, and we will receive. pray with persistence and boldness. how bold can we be? can i be as daring as abraham to bargain with God for sodom, or to ask for not one but two signs like Gideon? if only i had that faith.

Lord, i would like to pray for Hull. Lord, may you work in this city. heal this land, wipe away every tear from people's eyes. pour your everlasting love onto your people. may i ask that you let us taste of your goodness.

life is pretty interesting. i'm so so bored at work. especially when it's a tuesday and there's like noone in. then someone comes in and things change. it really struck me yesterday when an asylum seeker came in and got to help him. i got to know some of his story. he found out that his wife had been killed, his mother injured and brother had fled. such tragic stories. and people are just stuck here with no way out. so many stories. so sad. but there is still hope. my friend has been refused asylum, she has been a believer since coming to the uk. her only hope is literally in God. apart from God, there really is noo other way. I struggle to think about what i would be doing if i was in the same situation. i love hearing people's stories and trying to understand people. i love it even more when i don't have to ask. after working over a year with many of my clients, i don't know their story and why they're hear. i just hear snippets every so often. it doesn't matter. it's the person that is the most important. not the past. God is interested in our present and future. at 'amazing grace chruch' on sunday we were all given different verses. mine was

Therefore, if anyone is in Christ, he is a new creation; the old has gone, the new has come! 2 Corinthians 5 v 17

that's great, especially when you think about all the stuff that you've done, even yesterday. today. now.

i went to nandos yesterday. it was pretty good. it just ended up with 3 of us. but it was really nice. dunno why. just joking around. i wish that i could conjure up the boldness to speak out for christ. to share his word. Lord, give me the chance to share with these people. i don't really understand islam religion, but Lord, give me wisdom. for they need you too.

there are too many things to pray for. Lord, you know what is on my heart. thank God for Frank and Margaret in USA. they are so lovely. so much to learn from this elderly couple who so obviously love the Lord with all their heart.

Try Praying Day 1

Jesus said, ''Everything is possible for him who believes.'' Immediately the boy's father exclaimed, ''I do believe; help me overcome unbelief.''

Mark 9 v 23-24

in reality, how easy is it to really believe? sure, as a christian I pray and believe that God answers prayer. But it is so difficult. To really and truely trust and believe that God can do everything is pretty BIG stuff. It means that there is nothing that God cannot do. I guess thats why we can't look to the world for answers. I only need to open my eyes to the destruction of sin. The devestation that we have created in the world. the perfect world that God created, no longer exists on earth. there is so much hurt. Lord, help those in China and Burma. Lord, I believe that you can bring HOPE. Lord remember those who have lost their lives, for people who have lost their livelihoods. Lord, wash over those people with your love. May this be a fresh opportunity for people to see your glory amidst the suffering.

Lord, in these 7 days, I pray that your glory will be able to shine in Hull.Forgive me Lord, for not sharing your love, for being selfish and self-centred. Lord, I ask that you have mercy on this city. Save the lost. Give people the chance to believe, Heal this land. Lord, you love the lost, your heart is for those who need you. May your will be done on earth as it is in heaven. Lord, dare I ask that those that i know will have a chance to really have a chance to make a decision about whether they want to follow you.....for nothing is impossible with you. You alone have already overcome death, you have won the battle. Lord in your mercy, hear my prayer.

long time

it's been a long time since I wrote on this thing. I guess I've been meaning to, but never quite got round to it.
Such a lot has happened. There's been so many disasters in te past few weeks. Too much. The question that I'm sure many are asking is
WHY?
Why did something like this have to happen to innocent people in Burma and China. Makes you think just how helpless poeple are, there was nothing that anyone could have done to prevent anything from happening. Sigh. My heart goes out to the people. I can only imagine what the aftermath is like.