tiredness overload

i swear, this project and Refugee Week will be the death of me. i am so tired

was on the radio yesterday morning, which was petrifying, so thankful that steve came along and so i didn't need to talk that much. phew,

been to all the events so far, i wonder how our one will go tomorro...

feel down today.

Do you know how special and unique you are?

That you really matter in this world.

That someone has noticed you and care about you.

That you makes a huge difference in someone’s life.

Do you know that you are needed?

Do you know that you are loved?

Do you know that you are accepted?

I see all your pain and there is nothing I want more than to be able to take all your pain and sorrow away.

I wish I could take your hearts in my hands and heal all your wounds.

I wish I could make everything allright.

I wish I could make you whole again.

I wish I could take all your burdens on my shoulders and carry you in my arms until you feel strong enough to walk yourself.

But I can’t live your life for you. You have to fight the battle yourself. But there will be people beside you.

You will make it..
Dare to believe that you are beautiful.

Dare to believe that you are unique

Dare to believe that you make a difference

Dare to believe that you are loved

Dare to believe that you are talented

Dare to believe that you have your own special way of reaching out to others.

Dare to believe that you have the right to be here.

Dare to believe that you have the right to take up space

Dare to believe that you can do it.

Dare to believe that you can spread your wings and fly

Dare to believe that you can feel good again

Dare to believe that everything will be allright

Dare to believe that no matter what have happened, things can be better

Dare to believe that your future is bright

Dare to believe that there is always hope.

Dare to believe that you will recover.

Dare to believe that you will live again

Because.... You ARE beautiful.

You ARE unique.

You DO make a difference.

You ARE loved

You ARE talented

You DO have your special way of reaching out to others

You DO have the right to be here.

You DO have the right to take up space.

You CAN do it.

You CAN spread your wings and fly...

You CAN feel good again.

Everything WILL be allright, it’s only a matter of time.

The past doesn’t matter, that’s not the way you are going

As long as there is life, there IS hope.

You CAN recover, but it is up to you

You WILL live again.

You WILL shine.

You WILL radiate.

Dare to believe, because there can be miracles when you believe.

And you are loved, no matter what the ed tells you.

You are loved beyond understanding and words.

All of you here are loved.

All of you are unique, something special.

All of you are a piece of a big puzzle.

©Shinyflower

Prayer and praise journey

Therefore God gave them over in the sinful desires of their hearts to sexual impurity for the degrading of their bodies with one another. They exchanged the truth of God for a lie, and worshiped and served created things rather than the Creator—who is forever praised.
Romans 1 v 24-25

Why did God give these people over to their lusts? What wisdom can you take from these verses?

To be absolutely honest, i have no idea.
man, i'm so annoyed cuz i typed this all out and it got erased. it's never the same when you try to answer the same thing twice!
i guess it just shows how much of a fragile state the human mind is. We know what is good, yet we do wrong, We have our own selfsih desires that is in the opposite direction to where God is. we follow empty, unsatisfying desires, that mean nothing. it gives pleasure for a moment, but doesn't last a lifetime. God, how can we really praise you forever?#

i'm still not quite sure what to really do with myself today. have nothing that i want to do. nothing to do. sounds like a perfect job, but trust me, it isn't. i feel like i'm becoming a social worker type person. listening to people's problems, the only difference is i don't really know how to help/

Prayer and praise journey

Since they show no regard for the works of the LORD
and what his hands have done,
he will tear them down
and never build them up again.
Psalm 28 v 5


the consequences for disregarding the work of the Lord can be serious. According to Psalm 28 v 5, what happens to peope who do not show any regard for what God has done?

man, if anything, that should just shock you into really regarding God's work...or else! I mean, i not quite understand how i can truely ''regard'' his works. does it mean respect, admire,...? something like that. man...that means that we shouldn't work to destroy God's work. that includes everything....
Lord, thank you for all that you've done. Forgive me when i've done wrong. open my eyes to see your beauty.

it's amazing. daily, i hear of people that I know who are going away to places like China to do His work. it's amazing. I wish that i would be able to do something useful for God. how come some people are so amazing and they can do that. how come i always feel like i'm at a dead end. not quite sure where i am and what i'm doing. Lord, where do you want me to be?

I got a right kick yesterday from Reka, after she read my rather rubbish personal statement and hence didn't get a job interview. i think that i should kick myself really. God, what can i do. I really con't see the way forward. what is the future for me?
am i just a waste of space?
floating aimlessly in this forgotten city. being a forgotten person.

Prayer and praise journey

Psalm 104
1 Praise the LORD, O my soul.
O LORD my God, you are very great;
you are clothed with splendor and majesty.

2 He wraps himself in light as with a garment;
he stretches out the heavens like a tent

3 and lays the beams of his upper chambers on their waters.
He makes the clouds his chariot
and rides on the wings of the wind.

4 He makes winds his messengers,
flames of fire his servants.

5 He set the earth on its foundations;
it can never be moved.

6 You covered it with the deep as with a garment;
the waters stood above the mountains.

7 But at your rebuke the waters fled,
at the sound of your thunder they took to flight;

8 they flowed over the mountains,
they went down into the valleys,
to the place you assigned for them.

9 You set a boundary they cannot cross;
never again will they cover the earth.

10 He makes springs pour water into the ravines;
it flows between the mountains.

11 They give water to all the beasts of the field;
the wild donkeys quench their thirst.

12 The birds of the air nest by the waters;
they sing among the branches.

13 He waters the mountains from his upper chambers;
the earth is satisfied by the fruit of his work.

14 He makes grass grow for the cattle,
and plants for man to cultivate—
bringing forth food from the earth:

15 wine that gladdens the heart of man,
oil to make his face shine,
and bread that sustains his heart.

16 The trees of the LORD are well watered,
the cedars of Lebanon that he planted.

17 There the birds make their nests;
the stork has its home in the pine trees.

18 The high mountains belong to the wild goats;
the crags are a refuge for the coneys.

19 The moon marks off the seasons,
and the sun knows when to go down.

20 You bring darkness, it becomes night,
and all the beasts of the forest prowl.

21 The lions roar for their prey
and seek their food from God.

22 The sun rises, and they steal away;
they return and lie down in their dens.

23 Then man goes out to his work,
to his labor until evening.

24 How many are your works, O LORD!
In wisdom you made them all;
the earth is full of your creatures.

Psalm 104: 1-24 lifts up praise to God for the marvellous things he made. After you are finished reading these verses, write out your own prayer of praise for the things listed there that God created.

it's such an iddylic picture. quite soothing and perfect. God really is amazing isn't he. why did we have to muck it all up and live in sin? there would be need for anything apart from praise and worship if we didn't sin....sigh. thank you God for creating the beauty creatures and the land, for the heavens and for the earth. thank you that you are will be have your will be done on this earth as in heaven. thank you for the sunshine cuz it brings light and warmth. thank you for the rain, even though i don't really like it that much (it's chucking it down now) but we need rain. for all good things comes from you. how is possible for you to plan out so many things? and so perfectly in so much detail

因主的名
造物主，今高唱你名字：和平之君，得勝者。
地上古今的君王，也折服於你面前。

造物主，今高唱你名字：全能之主，安慰者。
全憑主恩典憐憫，令我滿心溫暖！

全因主的聖名，勞苦可得安靜；行走於孤單困惑裡面有主傾聽。
全因主的聖名，愁心可得歡樂；祈禱的必得勝，我以性命來做證！

Prayer and praise journey

For by him all things were created: things in heaven and on earth, visible and invisible, whether thrones or powers or rulers or authorities; all things were created by him and for him. He is before all things, and in him all things hold together.
Colossians 1 v 16-17

Take a few moments to think about God's creation right where youare. What aspects of the world around are you especially grateful for? What of God's creation reveals his love for you? Write out praise to God for those things.

i duuno really. to be honest, i can't really grasp hold of creation. i find it ard to admire nature. i find it hard to be to in awe. i'm not quite sure why. probably cuz i take things so forgranted. i guess i can thank God for creation the beauty of the universe. the stunning scenery. thanks yu for creating people. i would be totally lonely and bored if God didn't create people who are all different. oh. and thank you for the coriander that i've been able to grow! (they're still quite small)

life is shit.
it really is.
just got rejected from two jobs. i really am lost and have no idea where i am and what i should do. my family hate me. my father can't bothered to talk to me and mum has given up and is angry. i have no point in anything. just want to die.

i feel a bit stupid at work really. i have absolutely no idea what i'm meant to do. i have no idea what info i'm meant to know, and so i'm keeping my mouth shut so I don't put my foot in it. i also don't know how much people presume that i know. and i don't want to ask. sigh. i'm in a stupid trap thats not going to take me anywhere. man, ...i so need an interview. i need some new challenge to do. been stuck in this stupid little rut for way too long. life sucks.

wanna be fully of life. want the glory of God to shine out of me. but, seems almost impossible to me at the moment....

For God, who said, "Let light shine out of darkness,"made his light shine in our hearts to give us the light of the knowledge of the glory of God in the face of Christ.
But we have this treasure in jars of clay to show that this all-surpassing power is from God and not from us. We are hard pressed on every side, but not crushed; perplexed, but not in despair; persecuted, but not abandoned; struck down, but not destroyed. We always carry around in our body the death of Jesus, so that the life of Jesus may also be revealed in our body. For we who are alive are always being given over to death for Jesus' sake, so that his life may be revealed in our mortal body. So then, death is at work in us, but life is at work in you.
2 Corinthians 4 v 6-12

Matthew 11 v 25-30
At that time Jesus said, "I praise you, Father, Lord of heaven and earth, because you have hidden these things from the wise and learned, and revealed them to little children.
Yes, Father, for this was your good pleasure.
"All things have been committed to me by my Father. No one knows the Son except the Father, and no one knows the Father except the Son and those to whom the Son chooses to reveal him.
"Come to me, all you who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest.
Take my yoke upon you and learn from me, for I am gentle and humble in heart, and you will find rest for your souls.
For my yoke is easy and my burden is light."

rollercoaster weekend

it's been such a up and down weekend. sigh. i can't even remember what i did. when was the last time that i wrote on this thing.
man, one thing that i learnt is that there is absolutely no point in putting your trust and dreams and basing your happiness on people. cuz you just won't get it. neither will you get happiness on on what happens, cuz that don't last long either. only God and him alone.

Why are you downcast, O my soul?
Why so disturbed within me?
Put your hope in God,
for I will yet praise him,
my Saviour and my God.
psalm 42 v 11

friday
didn't sleep well cuz mum and dad had come back so late and as a consequence didn't sleep properly, which strangely enough affected the whole of my day. literally. had a day off ARKH, but had to go to a day's training with Sainsbury's. it was interesting to say the least. spent the day with some of my lively workmates. ...a bit crazy when they started to walk down quiet analaby barking like dogs or squarking like birds. anyways, didn't feel like going to fellowship so stayed at home till 7.30pm. just didn't want to talk to people. it ended up ok. God always breaks through.

saturday
had a pretty good day at work. mucked around. it was dead busy cuz it was the ball and it was sunny! none stop for the whole shift. kaylee and me arranged to go salsa dancing with JP on tuesday. it's gunna be interesting to say the least....haha....
anyways, got home to find a nightmare situation. sigh. punishment for having a good day? i dunno. so not happy, but i guess thats life. wish i had somewhere to run and hide to, but i didn't. watched the final to 'Britain's got talent' to soothe my sorrows.

sunday
the day started off bad cuz i didn't get up very early. had to pick up amos and vicky to go to new life. made it and i was glad i did. i'm not a very big fan of special services to be honest. but it spoke to me. Jarrod Cooper is such an inspirational speaker. i need to move on, not to be afraid of change, think big. no bad nostalgia...just looking forwards. all a bit too relevant to me at the moment with work and chucking loads of things out.
it was my turn to lead the youth. i'm really no good at it. but God was good. we discussed and chatted. it's wonderful to see the youth grow and really grasp hold of the faith for themselves. God really is doing something with this preciuos group of people.
i'm at a strange time in my life. i just don't feel part of a group at church. got a bit upset cuz people left, or hung out in groups and i was noone. disappeared in my car for a little while. came back out and was still alone. sigh. played a little badminton which i can reluctantly say that i quite enjoyed. why, oh why do i have this thing where i don't actually let myself enjoy anything? anyways, the evening was devoted to the leaving party for some of the students. it was good. the highlight was that vicky openly confessed that she is now a Christian...whoohoo....heaven is really having a party. God does answer prayer. another thing is the youth. they are absolutly amazing. they are so talented in music and enthusiastic about God. I hope that they never ever lose it.
why is church just so full of sinners? mum was so upset. what can i do about it? Lord, how can you work amongst us? where is the hope?

tired

absolutely knackered. mum and dad decided that it would be a good idea for them to arrive home after 3am. of course i woke up. could not get back to sleep for ages, even though i really needed and wanted to. sigh. just got up at before 6.30am.....man, it's gunna be one hell of a long day.

“In God, whose word I praise, in God I trust;
I will not be afraid.
What can mortal man do to me?”
Psalm 56 v 4

do not be afraid. i'm lucky. there's nothing pressing that i need to be afraid of. i'm in a relatively safe county. why are so many people in danger that they hve to run. so many asylum seekers and refugees. I just wish i could understand more by listening to their stories. this world is such a sad place. Lord, come and take your place; restore your throne. May YOUR will be done on this earth as it is in heaven.

i don't actually have to go into ARKH tomorrow. pretty excited about that. think that being in that place drives me insane. although the weather was good today and so i felt better. had a funny walk with kadir in town. had to go the long way into the shops cuz he was smoking. i find that i've come across such random people during my time at work. just today i met two new people interested in volunteering..who are absolutely different, and from such different walks of life. i would never have dreamed to meet them in a million years!

have a training for jacksons, no sorry Sainsbury's tomoro. thought i could get away with getting up late, but have to get to Kaylee's for 8am. man, that's crazy...i have to get out of the house before i usually do. no rest for the wicked, eh?

ok-ish

yeh. i feel slightly more enthusiastic now. i can feel it when I start to get really random ideas and get carried away...
i think that i like to feel useful.
also, i feel loved cuz the boys bought chicken and chips for us to share. this time they even got some bread! man, it's great. although my lunch got slightly ruined by the fact that my volunteer came and so i'm now eating cold food, listening to the guys talking in kurdish. sigh, life is so interesting

annoyed...or just impatient?

just went to pick up some stuff from VOLCOM where you can borrow stuff for free. ok. so got there. the lady gave me the two (rather heavy)items; two boxes, one of which was full of wood and the other metal. 'kindly' helped me to kick the boxes to the door and then left me. nice.

makes me think about the way i treat people. it's little things that niggle people, not necessarily big things.

Try Praying Day 7

"No eye has seen,
no ear has heard,
no mind has conceived
what God has prepared for those who love him''
1 corinthians 2 v 9

i wonder what God has in store for me.

God, why do i feel so crap. I just can't do it anymore. spent the whole of yesterday feeling shit. partly cuz of work; nothing to do nobody really to talk to, room full of men speaking foreign language. where do i fit in? i don't even know why i bother sometimes. the future is so unclear. it's not scary cuz part of me doesn't care. what is up with me.......why am i so depressed.

on a brighter note, i made some bailey's ice-cream last night (don't ask me why i decided to start at 11.30pm). tried it this morning and it is DELISH! mmm.....

so, it's the end of the trypraying for 7 days thing. what have i got out of it? nothing special. probably cuz i aint followed it properly and i've spent the majority of the last couple of weeks depressed, i have had a few more chances to talk to people, which has been great. had a few chances to talk to muslims and have debate which has been eye-opening a bit. yeh, pray ain't just for 7 though, it's a lifestyle. I've just come to realise how important it is to read the scripture and to know exactly what i believe. need to stand firm in the truth. not just blind faith.

Try Praying Day 6

When Jesus spoke again to the people, he said, "I am the light of the world. Whoever follows me will never walk in darkness, but will have the light of life." John 8 v 12

Here I am! I stand at the door and knock. If anyone hears my voice and opens the door, I will come in and eat with him, and he with me. Revelation 3 v 20

there are so many things that wreck my life. i'm wasting my life away. how can i really be the light. the light so that the world can see. that is a great promise that we only need to knock and we can enter. thank you God.

you know, i realised yesterday just how important it is to know what exactly i believe and i really don't know. i've almost got a blind faith which is useless. had a few discussions about islam with a few muslims. it's pretty interesting and i can see how each religion can sound just as convincing as each other. how can we be sure that christianity is the way? that is, because each different reliegion has a god, that 'seems' to do miracles and stuff like that, how can people tell. Lord, i'm so confused. i truely believe, but i think that i need to seek more. what is so different about christians. islam is growing, yet the number of christians is los growing. if christianity really is the truth.....there are so many many unreached people, all of whom have a strong belief and actually already know about the Bible and jesus, and believe differently. Lord, can you open up people's lives and change them. Lord, nothing is impossible with you. only you are the light, the whole world walks in darkness.

sigh. this world is so confusing. i wish that we could be living back in the garden of eden. paradise, idylic. walking with God in the garden everyday. I wish. we can only dream.

Try Praying Day 5

This, then, is how you should pray:
'Our Father in heaven,
hallowed be your name,
your kingdom come,
your will be done
on earth as it is in heaven.
Give us today our daily bread.
Forgive us our debts,
as we also have forgiven our debtors.
And lead us not into temptation,
but deliver us from the evil one.'
For if you forgive men when they sin against you, your heavenly Father will also forgive you. But if you do not forgive men their sins, your Father will not forgive your sins.
Matthew 6 v 9-13

been away from this for a few days cuz it's been the bank holiday weekend. there really are so many disasters in the world. there was another aftershock in china on sunday. about 5.8. puts our little one experienced a couple of months ago seem like nothing. i listen to the news and it's literally all full of teenagers being murdered. by one another. for no particular reason. probably cuz they're bored. man, what is this world? Lord, how can your will be done on this EARTH, when it's looking like this? where is the kingdom of heaven on this earth?

How great is our God

The splendor of a King, clothed in majesty

Let all the earth rejoice

All the earth rejoice

He wraps himself in Light, and darkness tries to hide

And trembles at His voice

Trembles at His voice

How great is our God, sing with me

How great is our God, and all will see

How great, how great is our God

Age to age He stands

And time is in His hands

Beginning and the end Beginning and the end

The Godhead Three in One

Father Spirit Son

The Lion and the Lamb

The Lion and the Lamb

How great is our God, sing with me

How great is our God, and all will see

How great, how great is our God

Name above all names

Worthy of all praise

My heart will sing

How great is our God

Name above all names

Worthy of all praise

My heart will sing

How great is our God

How great is our God, sing with me

How great is our God, and all will see

How great, how great is our God

how great would it be too see and hear the whole world sing this in a huge massive gigantic chorus. singing to the almghty one. Lord, heal this land. this land that is so full of sin. suffering. hurt. we're lost. but Lord, lead us to be lost; not in sin, but in wonder, awe and majesty at your glory and splendour. thank you for all that you've created. the beauty of the universe. thank you for your blood. Lord, thank you for listening and answering prayer. you really are the one true God.

we went to the humber bridge yesterday. it was nice. i was pleasently surprised. I don't really like doing this type of thing 1)cuz there'e not usual anyone my age, and 2) cuz i destest moving around and would rather sit at home and sleep. anyways it was great to have a church day out. it was proper windy on the way back and i got so wind swept it was unbelievable. made me realise just how beautiful my surroundings are. i'm so engrossed in all the crap that's around me, but there is lots more. again, i just need to go and open my eyes to it.

so, i'm back to work and have nothing in particular to do with myself. i have LESS than one month left of work here. To be honest, i'm pretty scared. i really don't know what the direction is....can i trust and obey. is it that easy? Lord, please close the doors for me to the places that you don't want me to go.

Try Praying Day 4

And without faith it is impossible to please God, because anyone who comes to him must believe that he exists and that he rewards those who earnestly seek him.

Hebrews 11 v 6

not really in the right frame of mind. again.

dunno and don't care

i just wanna cry and die. not quite sure why.

work is so dire. there's no point of me being here, there really isn't. everyone else here is bored. that or stressed. salam is going on the polish dating website, kadir-god knows what and i'm on bbc iplayer watching apprentice:you're fired. oh, and pat was printing stuff about dissolving the charity. fantaastic. such a lovely place to be.

i just want to leave today. now.

i just need something to do. argh. there is absolutely nothing to do apart from trying to contact volunteers which does not work, unless they want to claim back money. haven't been able to contact this one volunteer, until i checked the mail today. yep, she wanted to claim back £100. great. it's not the money which is annoying, it's just how people pick and choose when they want to stay in touch. i'm not that horrible am i?.....