an interesting day to say the least.

i organised a surprise thing for Shna. I got her the beautiful flowers and made a big card. she was properly surprised! went to staples to buy some office stuff with Shna and Kadir. I really find them both absolutley lovely, but annoying as well. it's so strange. a kinda of strange affection I think. i'm starting to fall for him, which i cannot do. oh well, it does help that all these guys have absolutly no interest in me whatsoever, and i talk to them about finding a beautiful girl! I'm just a little child in their eyes. sigh.

i was very proud of myself for going all the way to wilberforce college today without getting lost. i'm always so petrified of driving. strange how it's so much better on the way home. I got taken around the college and I swear that everyone must have thought that I was new there. even a student came up to me to ask! I really am a stupid little girl.

i'm thinking more and more that I wouldn't be the right person for the job at ARKH. I don't actually think that Shna, Kadir or anyone actually thinks that I could do it. I dont think that they would listen to me at all. I have so much to learn. so much to understand.

i had a nice evening. had people round for dinner and everyone brought some food. we should really do that more often, apart from it annoys the hell out of my brother.

you know what...God is good!

All the time.

God is GOOD!

Day 4: Shui

• 475,000 population
• 200 believers: mainly ancester worship, animism, daoism
• mostly in southern Guizhou, some in northern Guangxi
• Daic language- scripture not yet translated

had yet another hectic day. mixed feelings really. FINALLY made the decision to go study next year. had a lovely chat with the guy there. turns out that he was the speaker at NEEC! Ain't it a pretty small world! Feel a bit strange about the whole situation. I could be out of a job by end of October, but who knows! I'm not seriously considering going to Shanghai in October. Seems like I'm working long hours everyday. I enjoyed helping out in the drop-in today. It was quite strange being in an room full of Kurdish guys and me being the only Chinese girl. I really do wonder what they think this stupid person is doing there!

I'm tired. Tired of everything. Just wanna close my eyes and sleep.

Day 3: What drives your life?

maybe boredom...
how can I revert everything back to God?

Day 3: Bouyei (Buyi or Puyi)

• 3.1 million people
• religion: polytheism, animism, less than 0.2% Christian
• live mainly in Guizhou: basis standard of living
• 10th largest ethnic minority
• don't use Chinese characters: oral language
• mostly farmers
• need to HEAR and BELIEVE

It's funny how the world is so small. A random Chinese lady came knocking on the door at ARKH yesterday. She has got directed to us by the library. Funny how I happened to open the door and talk to her,..in very very basic Mandarin. Ended up helping her. She's actually an university lecturer in Fujian University! Heehee....very interesting....Us Chinese people are everywhere! I had two people from other agencies contact me about Chinese clients! I really do think that I am very conviently placed at ARKH!

princes ave on a night. the pretty sunset, before the storm. the weather is rather strange nowerdays. it's actually pretty nice during the day (not that I really notice since I'm inside all the time) and then it;s liking to rain and be all dark during the evening.

I am actually really really exhausted. with all that moving yesterday, once again I worked a long day (8am-6pm). decided to clean and move stuff. sigh, it's never good enough. i still can't decide what to do with myself. Shna read out the draft job description to me. it's ok. nothing soectacular. it all depends on who is going to apply for the job as to whether I would stand a chance of getting the job. I'm quite interested to find out what it will be like, without shna. I just wish that All nations didn't start so early, or else I would go. but right now, I think that I couldn't get up and go. or could I?....why am I just so rubbish at making decisions? I think that the struggle is whether or not I think I would get the job. At the moment I think that I wouldn't stand a chance since I'm so moody.

Day 2: I am not an accident

I am your Creator.
You were in my care
even before you were born.
Israel, don't be terrified!
You are my chosen servant,
my very favorite......Isaiah 44 v 2

God made ME for a reason, I have a purpose. I was made so that God could love ME. I have meaning to my life.
Why, oh why, do I still have absolutely no idea of what I am doing with myself.

Day 2: Southern Zhuang

• 4.2 million
• less than 0.5% Christians: mainly animism and ancestor worship
• speak Zhuang dialects, central Tai dialects, Baihua, Mandarin
• live in Yunan and Guangxi provinces- You and Zuo Rivers
• grow rice and sugarcane

man, there are so many people in this world. all with different beliefs, language, culture, traditions, food, way of living. It's fascinating. so many who have yet to hear the gospel. I am so fortuanate to have grown up knowing it. I should so be a messenger and tell others. Lord, forgive me for being lazy.

Exhaustion

The Purpose Driven Life
Topic 1: What on earth am I here for?

Day 1: It all starts with God.

For by him all things were created: things in heaven and on earth, visible and invisible, whether thrones or powers or rulers or authorities; all things were created by him and for him. Colossians 1 v 16

It's not about you.

I am absolutely knackered. shattered. don't actually think that I can move. sigh. a day seems like such a long time. so much has happened.
I got my bed delievered first thing in morning. got to work and was moving stuff all day. the office is a mess. i spent so long trying to get all the computers and stuff like that to work and it still doesn't. still not good enough. sigh. my head is spinning.

so, it is Jon's bday today. took him out for lunch. cooked him steak and food, and now have to go out for a drink. As much as I love him, I don't think that I can cope.....

What on earth am I here for?....I dunno. I still can't make my decision about what to do. All Nations rang me. I have an interview on Wednesday. I still have no job description. I still have no direction.

God, how do I fit into your plan? What do you want me to do?

Time: 7:28pm

New beginnings

so, it's a NEW start: 1st September. Jon's 22 today. Can't believe it. Haha,,,i love it during the next few weeks cuz it means that i'm only 1 year older than him..well, at least I pretend to be!

Also, it's the start of Ramadan. Of course, it doesnt bear much importance to me, but it's interesting to learn more about different religions and practises. And it also means that half people that come into ARKH will pretty much be fasting. It amazes me how so many people can do this every year. It's so difficult to not eat or DRINK for the whole entire day. Makes you grouchy and have NO energy. I think that things at ARKH will be a little more low key for the next month. I so will not be able to get any of the guys at work to do anything...sigh...

So, I want to discipline myself over this period. Obviously I'm not going to fast cuz I'm not a muslim, hence I don't follow their pratises, but I can challenge myself to do something. I can learn from their discipline. Hopefully for the next 40 days, I can follow 'The purpose driven life' (again). This is partly cuz I need to find my purpose, and also cuz the youth are going through it on sundays. In addition, I want to go through the 31 day prayer book for China's minority peoples.

I would dearly love to say that I'm going to succeed in follwing through it all, but I highly doubt it. Give me a few days and I'll be lost.....but i'll try.

DAY 1 : Northern Zhuang

• Zhuang is the largest minority with 16 million people (11.6 million are northern Zhuang)
• language: Zhuang dialects, Northern Tai languages, Mandarin
• less than 1% believers: mostly animism and ancestor worship
• mainly in Yunan and Guangxi (Hongshui River valley)
• there are some TSC and house churches
• portions of the Bible are translated in 2 dialects

so, the festival last night was amazing. I couldn't believe the amount of people who turned out. Unbelievable. you could almost have mistaken it for another city. yeh...hull for FREEDOM..er...well...until I over heard some people saying ' what on earth is this all in aid of?'Another funny thing was that Queen's Gardens is appraently meant to be an alcohol-free place...on a Saturday night in Hull- come on, that would never happen. There was a stall selling 'fruit juice' and at the end of it all there was nothing left in the park, apart from empty beer bottles. Alcohol- free indeed.

I had a fab time with the youth in the morning. it was mayhem. oh how I wish that i was young again. They did fab today leading worship. So proud of them. it's left me singing nothing other than:

Second Chance

You called my name

Reached out Your hand

Restored my life

And I was redeemed

The moment You entered my life

Amazing grace

Christ gave that day

My life was changed

When from my shoulders

Fell the weight of my sin

So it’s with everything I am

I reach out for Your hand

The hope for change

The second chance I’ve gained

On You I throw my life

Casting all my fears aside

How could greater love than this

Ever possibly exist

Consume my thoughts

As I rest in You

I’m now in love

With a Saviour

Bearing the marks of His love

So I’ll wait upon You now

With my hands released to You

Where a little faith’s enough

To see mountains lift and move

And I’ll wait upon You now

Dedicated to Your will

To this love that will remain

A love that never faïls

tiredness overload

i swear, this project and Refugee Week will be the death of me. i am so tired

was on the radio yesterday morning, which was petrifying, so thankful that steve came along and so i didn't need to talk that much. phew,

been to all the events so far, i wonder how our one will go tomorro...

feel down today.

Do you know how special and unique you are?

That you really matter in this world.

That someone has noticed you and care about you.

That you makes a huge difference in someone’s life.

Do you know that you are needed?

Do you know that you are loved?

Do you know that you are accepted?

I see all your pain and there is nothing I want more than to be able to take all your pain and sorrow away.

I wish I could take your hearts in my hands and heal all your wounds.

I wish I could make everything allright.

I wish I could make you whole again.

I wish I could take all your burdens on my shoulders and carry you in my arms until you feel strong enough to walk yourself.

But I can’t live your life for you. You have to fight the battle yourself. But there will be people beside you.

You will make it..
Dare to believe that you are beautiful.

Dare to believe that you are unique

Dare to believe that you make a difference

Dare to believe that you are loved

Dare to believe that you are talented

Dare to believe that you have your own special way of reaching out to others.

Dare to believe that you have the right to be here.

Dare to believe that you have the right to take up space

Dare to believe that you can do it.

Dare to believe that you can spread your wings and fly

Dare to believe that you can feel good again

Dare to believe that everything will be allright

Dare to believe that no matter what have happened, things can be better

Dare to believe that your future is bright

Dare to believe that there is always hope.

Dare to believe that you will recover.

Dare to believe that you will live again

Because.... You ARE beautiful.

You ARE unique.

You DO make a difference.

You ARE loved

You ARE talented

You DO have your special way of reaching out to others

You DO have the right to be here.

You DO have the right to take up space.

You CAN do it.

You CAN spread your wings and fly...

You CAN feel good again.

Everything WILL be allright, it’s only a matter of time.

The past doesn’t matter, that’s not the way you are going

As long as there is life, there IS hope.

You CAN recover, but it is up to you

You WILL live again.

You WILL shine.

You WILL radiate.

Dare to believe, because there can be miracles when you believe.

And you are loved, no matter what the ed tells you.

You are loved beyond understanding and words.

All of you here are loved.

All of you are unique, something special.

All of you are a piece of a big puzzle.

©Shinyflower

Prayer and praise journey

Therefore God gave them over in the sinful desires of their hearts to sexual impurity for the degrading of their bodies with one another. They exchanged the truth of God for a lie, and worshiped and served created things rather than the Creator—who is forever praised.
Romans 1 v 24-25

Why did God give these people over to their lusts? What wisdom can you take from these verses?

To be absolutely honest, i have no idea.
man, i'm so annoyed cuz i typed this all out and it got erased. it's never the same when you try to answer the same thing twice!
i guess it just shows how much of a fragile state the human mind is. We know what is good, yet we do wrong, We have our own selfsih desires that is in the opposite direction to where God is. we follow empty, unsatisfying desires, that mean nothing. it gives pleasure for a moment, but doesn't last a lifetime. God, how can we really praise you forever?#

i'm still not quite sure what to really do with myself today. have nothing that i want to do. nothing to do. sounds like a perfect job, but trust me, it isn't. i feel like i'm becoming a social worker type person. listening to people's problems, the only difference is i don't really know how to help/

Prayer and praise journey

Since they show no regard for the works of the LORD
and what his hands have done,
he will tear them down
and never build them up again.
Psalm 28 v 5


the consequences for disregarding the work of the Lord can be serious. According to Psalm 28 v 5, what happens to peope who do not show any regard for what God has done?

man, if anything, that should just shock you into really regarding God's work...or else! I mean, i not quite understand how i can truely ''regard'' his works. does it mean respect, admire,...? something like that. man...that means that we shouldn't work to destroy God's work. that includes everything....
Lord, thank you for all that you've done. Forgive me when i've done wrong. open my eyes to see your beauty.

it's amazing. daily, i hear of people that I know who are going away to places like China to do His work. it's amazing. I wish that i would be able to do something useful for God. how come some people are so amazing and they can do that. how come i always feel like i'm at a dead end. not quite sure where i am and what i'm doing. Lord, where do you want me to be?

I got a right kick yesterday from Reka, after she read my rather rubbish personal statement and hence didn't get a job interview. i think that i should kick myself really. God, what can i do. I really con't see the way forward. what is the future for me?
am i just a waste of space?
floating aimlessly in this forgotten city. being a forgotten person.

Prayer and praise journey

Psalm 104
1 Praise the LORD, O my soul.
O LORD my God, you are very great;
you are clothed with splendor and majesty.

2 He wraps himself in light as with a garment;
he stretches out the heavens like a tent

3 and lays the beams of his upper chambers on their waters.
He makes the clouds his chariot
and rides on the wings of the wind.

4 He makes winds his messengers,
flames of fire his servants.

5 He set the earth on its foundations;
it can never be moved.

6 You covered it with the deep as with a garment;
the waters stood above the mountains.

7 But at your rebuke the waters fled,
at the sound of your thunder they took to flight;

8 they flowed over the mountains,
they went down into the valleys,
to the place you assigned for them.

9 You set a boundary they cannot cross;
never again will they cover the earth.

10 He makes springs pour water into the ravines;
it flows between the mountains.

11 They give water to all the beasts of the field;
the wild donkeys quench their thirst.

12 The birds of the air nest by the waters;
they sing among the branches.

13 He waters the mountains from his upper chambers;
the earth is satisfied by the fruit of his work.

14 He makes grass grow for the cattle,
and plants for man to cultivate—
bringing forth food from the earth:

15 wine that gladdens the heart of man,
oil to make his face shine,
and bread that sustains his heart.

16 The trees of the LORD are well watered,
the cedars of Lebanon that he planted.

17 There the birds make their nests;
the stork has its home in the pine trees.

18 The high mountains belong to the wild goats;
the crags are a refuge for the coneys.

19 The moon marks off the seasons,
and the sun knows when to go down.

20 You bring darkness, it becomes night,
and all the beasts of the forest prowl.

21 The lions roar for their prey
and seek their food from God.

22 The sun rises, and they steal away;
they return and lie down in their dens.

23 Then man goes out to his work,
to his labor until evening.

24 How many are your works, O LORD!
In wisdom you made them all;
the earth is full of your creatures.

Psalm 104: 1-24 lifts up praise to God for the marvellous things he made. After you are finished reading these verses, write out your own prayer of praise for the things listed there that God created.

it's such an iddylic picture. quite soothing and perfect. God really is amazing isn't he. why did we have to muck it all up and live in sin? there would be need for anything apart from praise and worship if we didn't sin....sigh. thank you God for creating the beauty creatures and the land, for the heavens and for the earth. thank you that you are will be have your will be done on this earth as in heaven. thank you for the sunshine cuz it brings light and warmth. thank you for the rain, even though i don't really like it that much (it's chucking it down now) but we need rain. for all good things comes from you. how is possible for you to plan out so many things? and so perfectly in so much detail

因主的名
造物主，今高唱你名字：和平之君，得勝者。
地上古今的君王，也折服於你面前。

造物主，今高唱你名字：全能之主，安慰者。
全憑主恩典憐憫，令我滿心溫暖！

全因主的聖名，勞苦可得安靜；行走於孤單困惑裡面有主傾聽。
全因主的聖名，愁心可得歡樂；祈禱的必得勝，我以性命來做證！

Prayer and praise journey

For by him all things were created: things in heaven and on earth, visible and invisible, whether thrones or powers or rulers or authorities; all things were created by him and for him. He is before all things, and in him all things hold together.
Colossians 1 v 16-17

Take a few moments to think about God's creation right where youare. What aspects of the world around are you especially grateful for? What of God's creation reveals his love for you? Write out praise to God for those things.

i duuno really. to be honest, i can't really grasp hold of creation. i find it ard to admire nature. i find it hard to be to in awe. i'm not quite sure why. probably cuz i take things so forgranted. i guess i can thank God for creation the beauty of the universe. the stunning scenery. thanks yu for creating people. i would be totally lonely and bored if God didn't create people who are all different. oh. and thank you for the coriander that i've been able to grow! (they're still quite small)

life is shit.
it really is.
just got rejected from two jobs. i really am lost and have no idea where i am and what i should do. my family hate me. my father can't bothered to talk to me and mum has given up and is angry. i have no point in anything. just want to die.

i feel a bit stupid at work really. i have absolutely no idea what i'm meant to do. i have no idea what info i'm meant to know, and so i'm keeping my mouth shut so I don't put my foot in it. i also don't know how much people presume that i know. and i don't want to ask. sigh. i'm in a stupid trap thats not going to take me anywhere. man, ...i so need an interview. i need some new challenge to do. been stuck in this stupid little rut for way too long. life sucks.

wanna be fully of life. want the glory of God to shine out of me. but, seems almost impossible to me at the moment....

For God, who said, "Let light shine out of darkness,"made his light shine in our hearts to give us the light of the knowledge of the glory of God in the face of Christ.
But we have this treasure in jars of clay to show that this all-surpassing power is from God and not from us. We are hard pressed on every side, but not crushed; perplexed, but not in despair; persecuted, but not abandoned; struck down, but not destroyed. We always carry around in our body the death of Jesus, so that the life of Jesus may also be revealed in our body. For we who are alive are always being given over to death for Jesus' sake, so that his life may be revealed in our mortal body. So then, death is at work in us, but life is at work in you.
2 Corinthians 4 v 6-12

Matthew 11 v 25-30
At that time Jesus said, "I praise you, Father, Lord of heaven and earth, because you have hidden these things from the wise and learned, and revealed them to little children.
Yes, Father, for this was your good pleasure.
"All things have been committed to me by my Father. No one knows the Son except the Father, and no one knows the Father except the Son and those to whom the Son chooses to reveal him.
"Come to me, all you who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest.
Take my yoke upon you and learn from me, for I am gentle and humble in heart, and you will find rest for your souls.
For my yoke is easy and my burden is light."

rollercoaster weekend

it's been such a up and down weekend. sigh. i can't even remember what i did. when was the last time that i wrote on this thing.
man, one thing that i learnt is that there is absolutely no point in putting your trust and dreams and basing your happiness on people. cuz you just won't get it. neither will you get happiness on on what happens, cuz that don't last long either. only God and him alone.

Why are you downcast, O my soul?
Why so disturbed within me?
Put your hope in God,
for I will yet praise him,
my Saviour and my God.
psalm 42 v 11

friday
didn't sleep well cuz mum and dad had come back so late and as a consequence didn't sleep properly, which strangely enough affected the whole of my day. literally. had a day off ARKH, but had to go to a day's training with Sainsbury's. it was interesting to say the least. spent the day with some of my lively workmates. ...a bit crazy when they started to walk down quiet analaby barking like dogs or squarking like birds. anyways, didn't feel like going to fellowship so stayed at home till 7.30pm. just didn't want to talk to people. it ended up ok. God always breaks through.

saturday
had a pretty good day at work. mucked around. it was dead busy cuz it was the ball and it was sunny! none stop for the whole shift. kaylee and me arranged to go salsa dancing with JP on tuesday. it's gunna be interesting to say the least....haha....
anyways, got home to find a nightmare situation. sigh. punishment for having a good day? i dunno. so not happy, but i guess thats life. wish i had somewhere to run and hide to, but i didn't. watched the final to 'Britain's got talent' to soothe my sorrows.

sunday
the day started off bad cuz i didn't get up very early. had to pick up amos and vicky to go to new life. made it and i was glad i did. i'm not a very big fan of special services to be honest. but it spoke to me. Jarrod Cooper is such an inspirational speaker. i need to move on, not to be afraid of change, think big. no bad nostalgia...just looking forwards. all a bit too relevant to me at the moment with work and chucking loads of things out.
it was my turn to lead the youth. i'm really no good at it. but God was good. we discussed and chatted. it's wonderful to see the youth grow and really grasp hold of the faith for themselves. God really is doing something with this preciuos group of people.
i'm at a strange time in my life. i just don't feel part of a group at church. got a bit upset cuz people left, or hung out in groups and i was noone. disappeared in my car for a little while. came back out and was still alone. sigh. played a little badminton which i can reluctantly say that i quite enjoyed. why, oh why do i have this thing where i don't actually let myself enjoy anything? anyways, the evening was devoted to the leaving party for some of the students. it was good. the highlight was that vicky openly confessed that she is now a Christian...whoohoo....heaven is really having a party. God does answer prayer. another thing is the youth. they are absolutly amazing. they are so talented in music and enthusiastic about God. I hope that they never ever lose it.
why is church just so full of sinners? mum was so upset. what can i do about it? Lord, how can you work amongst us? where is the hope?