Getting to know the Bible: Day 13

'' ¹⁶There are six things the LORD hates, seven that are detestable to him:

¹⁷ haughty eyes, a lying tongue, hands that shed innocent blood,

¹⁸ a heart that devises wicked schemes, feet that are quick to rush into evil,

¹⁹ a false witness who pours out lies and a man who stirs up dissension among brothers.''

proverbs 6 v 16-10

countdown to Christmas
me? i'm waiting till the 21st.
after that, no work for almost 2 weeks.
bliss.

sleep

i look like i've just woken up.
the truth is that i've hardly slept.
it's horrible
just feel like staring into space.
thinking.
about nothing.
I look like death.

where can i go? where can i run?
trapped
inside nothing,
i am nobody.
nothing.

my eyes just want to close.

Getting to know the Bible: Day 12

Hosea 8

Israel to Reap the Whirlwind

¹ Put the trumpet to your lips! An eagle is over the house of the LORD because the people have broken my covenant and rebelled against my law.

² Israel cries out to me,'O our God, we acknowledge you!'

³ But Israel has rejected what is good; an enemy will pursue him.

⁴ They set up kings without my consent; they choose princes without my approval. With their silver and gold they make idols for themselves to their own destruction.

⁵ Throw out your calf-idol, O Samaria! My anger burns against them. How long will they be incapable of purity?

⁶ They are from Israel! This calf— a craftsman has made it; it is not God. It will be broken in pieces, that calf of Samaria.

⁷They sow the wind and reap the whirlwind. The stalk has no head; it will produce no flour. Were it to yield grain, foreigners would swallow it up.

⁸ Israel is swallowed up; now she is among the nations like a worthless thing.

⁹ For they have gone up to Assyria like a wild donkey wandering alone. Ephraim has sold herself to lovers.

¹⁰ Although they have sold themselves among the nations, I will now gather them together. They will begin to waste away under the oppression of the mighty king.

¹¹Though Ephraim built many altars for sin offerings, these have become altars for sinning.

¹² I wrote for them the many things of my law, but they regarded them as something alien.

¹³ They offer sacrifices given to me and they eat the meat, but the LORD is not pleased with them. Now he will remember their wickedness and punish their sins: They will return to Egypt.

¹⁴ Israel has forgotten his Maker and built palaces; Judah has fortified many towns. But I will send fire upon their cities that will consume their fortresses.

Getting to know the Bible: Day 11

'Man does not live on bread alone, but on every word that comes from the mouth of God.'
matt 4 v 4


but...this mixed shwarma was pretty damned good

Getting to know the Bible: Day 10

''each man's life is but a breath''
ps 39 v 5


odd snacks

Getting to know the Bible: Day 9

''Therefore, I urge you, brothers, in view of God's mercy, to offer your bodies as living sacrifices, holy and pleasing to God— this is your spiritual act of worship.

Do not conform any longer to the pattern of this world, but be transformed by the renewing of your mind. Then you will be able to test and approve what God's will is— his good, pleasing and perfect will.''

romans 12 v 1-2

Getting to know the Bible: Day 8

''trust in the LORD with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding''
proverbs 3 v 5



that is so much easier said than done.

Getting to know the Bible: Day 7

''I the LORD do not change''
malachi 3 v 6



you know, people change, all the time.
i've changed.
may be it can be for the good, usually the opposite though.
i've turned into a depressive.
i watched 'The Notebook' again last night. didn't sleep till about 4am.
i periodically go between my three dvd's that i watch when i'm in this mood:
love actually, notting hill, the notebook.
the latter has now been added to this collection as i have watched the other two way too many times, it's scary.
i've kicked out 'spirited away' and 'beauty and the beast' because cartoons make me fall asleep even faster and the point is that i stay awake.
beauty and the beast is still my all time favourite movie.

Getting to know the Bible: Day 6

''be strong in the LORD and in his mighty power''
Ephesians 6 v 10


but i don't feel strong

what is this?

i have absolutely no idea what this is.
it's weird.
all i know i that mihaela gave it to me on the day she left work.
it's from romania.
just love the randomness of my friends sometimes.

i have wasted today.
didn't feel like i could do anything, so i haven't
i wonder how long i can carry on like this.
feel like screaming but to who, to where.
leaves me wondering where the future is.

man, i've made so many stupid mistakes.
there's no turning back....
it's a trap.
a never-ending loop that has no hole.

God, may you grant me peace.

hide

ever had the feeling like you want to hide, disappear and ignore the world?
unfortunately, when youu do that; the world doesn't seem to hide with you.
it just carries on.
regardless.

Getting to know the Bible: Day 5

Psalm 63

A psalm of David. When he was in the Desert of Judah.

¹ O God, you are my God, earnestly I seek you; my soul thirsts for you, my body longs for you, in a dry and weary land where there is no water.

²I have seen you in the sanctuary and beheld your power and your glory.

³ Because your love is better than life, my lips will glorify you.

⁴ I will praise you as long as I live, and in your name I will lift up my hands.

⁵ My soul will be satisfied as with the richest of foods; with singing lips my mouth will praise you.

⁶On my bed I remember you; I think of you through the watches of the night.

⁷ Because you are my help, I sing in the shadow of your wings.

⁸ My soul clings to you; your right hand upholds me.

⁹They who seek my life will be destroyed; they will go down to the depths of the earth.

¹⁰ They will be given over to the sword and become food for jackals.

¹¹But the king will rejoice in God; all who swear by God's name will praise him, while the mouths of liars will be silenced

fat

i'm seriuosly fat now
all i do is eat

i'm depressed
i'm tired

how the hell do i get out of this hole?

Getting to know the Bible: Day 4

''we have the mind of Christ''
2 Corinthians 2 v 16



today i feel sad...tired...lonely

i'm actually quite disappointed in the way that i work.
i can't really do my job properly.
but, thankfully, the conversation class went ok.
in fact it was hilarious!
we talked about camels, water chickens, water cows (buffalo) amongst other things. it's great. we had one person from iraq, two from libya, one from japan and me! what a mix!

i miss a lot of people.
it hurts.
i miss the happy me.
dunno where she's gone.

sigh

where did the past go?



i'm just randomly searching for jobs.
came across a job at refugee action kingston, in London.
it's just like ARKH.
i feel just how i was 5 years ago, trying to find something to do, some random job.
but i'm older.
i still have no direction.
there's something about refugees and asylum seekers that stirs something inside me.
ARKH was such a big part of my life.
i miss it.
i miss the life that i had.

missing mr k.
but it's good. i'm doing good. it's not easy, but staying strong.
losing interest in my work, in life. i find no passion in myself to do anything, to see anyone.

what is the way out?

Getting to know the Bible: Day 3

''for prophecy never had its origin in the will of man, but men spoke from God as they were carried along by the Holy Spirit.''
2 peter 1 v 21



everything is from God

altar

house of prayer

need to make my life into a life of prayer
need to build an altar to the Lord

p r a y e r

Getting to know the Bible: Day 2

''I am the bread of life. He who comes to me will never go hungry, and he who believes in me will never be thirsty.''
John 6 v 35



satisfaction.
where do you get it from?
I guess we spend our whole life trying to find that thing thats suposed to make you happy.
for some people its marriage, children, friends, money, work. material things.
many people would say that winning the lottery would solve all their problems.
what did the people in Jesus' time want?

why is life so complicated now? there is so much technology. we spend all our time in front of a screen, whether it's the TV, computer or mobile. i see technology slowly seeping into our everyday life and taking over our relationships and time. i have a better relationship with my computer than with the people that i live with. i have even started to realise this with the people who i regularly visit. a couple of years ago, i used to visit them and things were simple. we would just sit and chat. despite the language barrier. now, i help them with facebook. we spend our time staring at the laptop screen.

who am i? i am once again finding myself in a lost state of mind.
i actually feel lonely.
i have never really felt like this before.
not until now.

however, funny things do happen. i went out with hui and her boyfriend for dinner. prayed that i would get some chance to share the gospel with them. not that i knew what to say. ended up that they brought the subject of religion up and we chatted freely. thank you God that i know so many muslims that i understand a bit. her bf said that he was interested in visiting a church! haha...even Hui hasnt been to our proper church service before. may be there is chance that we can go to church together, and it wasn't even my suggestion.....doesn't God work in miraculous ways, in the ways that we least expect.

316

''for God so loved the world that he gave his one and only son, so that whoever believes in him shall not perish but have everlasting life.''
john 3:16

where is my hope.
life really is quite loney.

Getting to know the Bible: Day 1

''be still, and know that I am God''
psalm 46 v 10

how to be still. i really don't know

this is the place where my grandma is buried.
it's so peaceful.
so still.

the fair

why i am such a disapointment.
i am almost 27 years old. sh*t. what have i done with my life.
i love the wrong people, do the wrong things. i chase after everyone else's tail execept my own.
i have a headache. a headache from being constantly tired and constantly crying. but for what? even i am starting to doubt my faith....i hate it. but i have to admit that i am. but, deep inside i know that there is no one else besides my God. there is no one in this world who cares. nonone. not even my parents. who is there to speak to? except myself. thats why i'm having a mental breakdown. i try to talk and explain my frustration to the parents. no. no response. it's my fault. talk to God. talk to my brother. mumbling response. what else. God, i just don't understand myself. the deeper i get into this, the harder it is to pull myself out. i need a friend. before i do something stupid. but, does it really matter?
why is it that I have to be the one who is always there. the one who doesnt mind doing anything, who doesnt need anything. had to be there to help cook the dinner last night. led the worship. led the bible study, which was out into my hand seconds before the bible study began. was suposed to do a trip today, but luckily noone was interested. why? only to be told that noone else could do it, so i should. criticised by jon for not preparing. why am the one who can't say no. i physically can't say no because someone else cries. i'm not allowed to. what if i want to run. run away from here and life. it's not like i even hide that i'm tired or depressed. it's obviuos. but somehow, i still have to carry on despite everything....
just last nite i was talking to Mr k and saying how i admire him for running from Kurdistan. even though he feels that he has nothing here, he made the decision to take the risk to travel into the unknown, with no money and a dangerous journey. for that, i admire people who take the risk. you see, i'm a chicken. i really am.

each year Hull Fair comes and goes. almost everytime falling on or really near my bday. you see, people come and people go. but i just stay the same here. just growing older each time.

where to go

so so so.....why do i feel like this all the time?
why can't i get rid of it. it's been so long....
God, i can't spend another 10 years being depressed like this, i really can't
doubt is not a good place to be.
i just want to run

PK/MK

an interesting bit of writing written by Jarrod;

http://zachsdad.wordpress.com/2011/04/14/help-lord-im-a-pastor-and-a-parent/

i guess people always wonder about what it's like to be a PK or MK. It hasn't really been an issue for me cuz I don't really see my parents like that. Maybe i should? Is it my identity? Is it really that different to anyone else?

leave

why i cannot go, leave this world. die.......
God, please tell me why.

endings

byebye ASDA....

end of another job....
sigh....

i've realised something about myself. i don't really like change....whether it's for the good or for the bad. i don't like it. i like to be stuck in one place. i don't like to move on. thats why i dont, and i'm always the person who's left behind.

so, the team from US are coming tomorro...i remember when they came last year. a whole year has passed and gone by. where have a been? what have i done? why do i feel like such a failure? actually, i need to reflect and think about all that i've done,...what have i learnt?

gloria, oh gloria....why do you let your life waste away?....

what have i done this year?

1. i've worked at different places: a year ago, i had just left ARKH....spent half a year coming to terms with that. accepting that i no longer belonged there. i worked at Primark from Nov 2010- june 2011. i did a few interpreting jobs for Global Accent, including getting paid £30 when the client didn't even turn up! i worked at Jialing's newsagents during the summer....nearly killed myself waking up at 5am to open up at 5.45am. worked at ASDA from November 2010- today. now i work at Goodwin.
i've bsically worked all the bank holidays and satudays since novemebr....how sad....

2. i had a blood transfusion! 3 bags of blood was pumped into me...i got to stay overnight in hospital in my own little room.

3. i went to HK. for literally 3 days.

4. i broke another camera...lens. thankfully not the actually camera. i don't think it's a good idea to make an annual event of breaking cameras.

5. oh...i ''studied'' TESOL and translation/ successfully completed the translation part, even though i can't really read Chinese that well.

6. wrote a 2,500 word essay in two days about something that totally have no idea about, proofread essays, typed out books....

so what did i do with the rest of my time? Let me see.....read letters, phone up people, go to the council for people, sign forms, fill in forms, go to random people's house and sit, churchy things.....

thats about it...

oh, and spent half of the time in a state of depression. not good. not good.

need to move on.

actually, one of the most significant things that i've learnt is to appreciate people. honestly, it's been great working at ASDA, not cuz of the actually work, but becasue of the people...the colleagues and the customers. i've spoken to hundreds of people and had a short snippet into thier lives. some customers have shared bereavements, birthdays, moving house, general moanings about the weather and work. i've seen a small insight and really admire quite a lot of people for what they do...people work damn hard for their family and life. so, everyone deserves the benefit of the doubt. some of the people who you least expect to be nice, are actually the nicest of them all. everyone has a story that is worth listening to . there's something to be learnt from anyone.

so yeh, maybe i've learnt to love people a little more.
but may be it's time to love myself a bit. that, i know i've failed to do for a long long time.

energy

i dunno what to do with myself. i really don't.
this dissertation is driving me insane.i don't even know what to do when i stare at it.
my work is beyond what i can do. i can't even focus. my files are in a mess and i can't remember anyone's name. it stresses me out so much that i can't sleep.
everyone around me is getting married or having kids.
who am i?
sometimes, i just need a chat, just want to relax. but i can't i really can't. i don't understand myself. how long will i spend in this cycle of constant ups and downs?

i am actually, a very blessed person.
my car stopped this morning. just stopped on spring bank. luckily, i saw a police car and asked them to push the car. the RAC man came, found nothing wrong. i drove and he followed me. the car stopped again. in the end, the RAC man fixed it. he spent THREE hours on my car. my dad said that he was an angel....cuz they never spend so long with one person.

energise....

i need some kind of massive energy boost to face tomorrow. i'm dreading it already.

God, i'm praying that you can give me strength. Lord, i really can't do this. i really can't.

coincidence

i spoke to ashleigh at work (ASDA) about me me leaving and working somewhere else. we got talking about Goodwin and she said that she used to be part of the Warren lot...she used to be part of Refugee Week. so, i was like....cool, cuz i was with the steering group since like 2007.

i just looked at my old photos. yep. there is a picture of me and her and another girl, back in 2008. it was pouring with rain and we were soaking wet.
how is that?

so, actually the saying is true 'if you get any two people in hull together and they talk toegher...within 5 minutes they will hav discovered that they know a common person'. it is so so true. i'm discovering that all the time. especially when i'm nosey at ASDA and ask the customer things. I talked to a dinner lady and we ended up talking about Khozga and Akam at school!

Refugee Week- june 2008