the fair

why i am such a disapointment.
i am almost 27 years old. sh*t. what have i done with my life.
i love the wrong people, do the wrong things. i chase after everyone else's tail execept my own.
i have a headache. a headache from being constantly tired and constantly crying. but for what? even i am starting to doubt my faith....i hate it. but i have to admit that i am. but, deep inside i know that there is no one else besides my God. there is no one in this world who cares. nonone. not even my parents. who is there to speak to? except myself. thats why i'm having a mental breakdown. i try to talk and explain my frustration to the parents. no. no response. it's my fault. talk to God. talk to my brother. mumbling response. what else. God, i just don't understand myself. the deeper i get into this, the harder it is to pull myself out. i need a friend. before i do something stupid. but, does it really matter?
why is it that I have to be the one who is always there. the one who doesnt mind doing anything, who doesnt need anything. had to be there to help cook the dinner last night. led the worship. led the bible study, which was out into my hand seconds before the bible study began. was suposed to do a trip today, but luckily noone was interested. why? only to be told that noone else could do it, so i should. criticised by jon for not preparing. why am the one who can't say no. i physically can't say no because someone else cries. i'm not allowed to. what if i want to run. run away from here and life. it's not like i even hide that i'm tired or depressed. it's obviuos. but somehow, i still have to carry on despite everything....
just last nite i was talking to Mr k and saying how i admire him for running from Kurdistan. even though he feels that he has nothing here, he made the decision to take the risk to travel into the unknown, with no money and a dangerous journey. for that, i admire people who take the risk. you see, i'm a chicken. i really am.

each year Hull Fair comes and goes. almost everytime falling on or really near my bday. you see, people come and people go. but i just stay the same here. just growing older each time.